Crushin~
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Posted:Feb 26, 2013 11:32 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 10:39 pm
4720 Views
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So, I am crushin.
Just a tiny little crush, but it feels like a big deal since it has been a while since I was crushed on someone like this. I seriously doubt that anything will come of this crush. But the energy that it moves in me is light, fun and silly. I am loving it!
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There are some twists to this crush though. The biggest twist is he is a vanilla boy, or at least that is what I am ass/u/ming. He is someone I have known for a long time as a casual acquaintance, married, with . Turns out he is now divorced an co-parenting.
I thought about setting him up with one of my single girlfriends, but I never made it around to that. I was reading in an email about something that he is involved in that I am really passionate about (Coincidence? I think not!) so I emailed him that he needs me for this project and we should meet. He replied promptly and we set up a time. Nice.
Now I had no intention of “crushing” on him when I first sent the email. I was looking forward to hearing about the project and finding out how I could plug in. Truly.
We met and I talked his ear off about my past experiences with the subject matter at hand. Then we started to get personal after the business was taken care of. Talked about , relationships, life in general. It was great. Conversations between two trained therapists is usually a very positive give and take.
I left our quick meeting feeling a little twitterpated. Of course I wanted to blurt out, “Oh yeah, by the way, I am in an open marriage!!!” But, Mz Mild, being WAY too shy, I restrained myself quite professionally.
I sat on my feelings until the next day when I was visiting one of my nearest and dearest and I blurted out about my new crush. I went on and on about the whole conversation in an innocent yet animated way~ making us both laugh. But the question came up, how do you out yourself to people about being in an open marriage?
I have no fucking idea~ Really…. Especially since I am just now tiptoeing out of my deeply entrenched mild state of being. It is like the first rays of morning sun, shinning on my heart after my period of mourning.
So, what does my friend do? She grabs my phone and starts an email to him saying how nice it was to see him and looking forward to working with him….yayadayada… but not from my personal/professional email address. Instead she uses my AlphaSiren account and puts a link to my blog under it! I am mortified, stunned by her brazen move. A move that would be a drop in the bucket for me if I was in my wild mode, but for bashful mild~ it was almost too much. Almost. I was actually the one to press send!!!
We both giggled like middle schoolers sending love notes. Holy shit.
He wrote back, appropriate and kind. He really is a great guy. I doubt he even noticed the address or the blog but it made me smile. We have some work planned in the next few weeks which is something to look forward to. I looked him up on facebook and realized that we are already friends and found his birthday. I am shameless. 
Then I knew I had to talk to my husband. Now, this is not our first rodeo, but we decided a long time ago that singles weren’t a good idea for us. So, I was a little nervous about bringing this “crush” to light and making it real by talking to him about it. Of course he was amazing, asking questions and actually shared my excitement a little bit.
It really is the coolest thing in the world to be able to tell your husband everything. He was genuinely supportive of me and I felt a little more relaxed after talking to him. I also told him that I doubt that anything would manifest from it, but I like to tell him things that are going on so there are no surprises. But then living with me, that is almost near to impossible!! LOL!
So, how do we approach this? Coming out to people about being in an open marriage? I am not sure. I am not even sure I want to. Maybe just having a crush from afar is enough for me.
Sigh~
Much love as always~
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
A/s
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Desperately Seeking Alphasiren
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Posted:Feb 7, 2013 9:01 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 10:39 pm
4812 Views
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Desperately Seeking Alphasiren
It’s been a while~
I was in bed talking to my husband the other night. We were talking about our open relationship dynamics and the last year of regrouping since our big break up with the couple we were seeing for almost a year. I was sad. Very sad. And I said to him,”When am I ever going to get over this?” His reply was like a cup of cold water in my face;
“I guess when you make up your mind to be over it.”
Ugh~ and in that moment I realized that he is right. I do have a choice. I have been choosing to be sad and mourn the loss of friends that were more than friends to me, I felt like they were becoming family. I have retreated deep into my mild side. Almost to the point of hurting our relationship.
We went on a date the other night with a great couple we have been seeing. We decided to go to the club that we haven’t been to since May of last year. I was nervous and felt like I was on pins and needles. When I am steeped in mild, it is hard for me to go out and take risks, like going to this type of club. We ended up having a great time with the other couple and many of my fears were alleviated.
Baby steps~
Now one of my nearest and dearest has presented the next step to reawakening my WILD Alphasiren. She wants me to take her to the sex club just the two of us so she can experience what it is like. Now I have been avoiding her request for a while. Nervous, timid, and shy mild is not a girl that goes to the sex club solo. In the past I have been the instigator in this, taking my friends out to places where they are pushing up against their edges, hard. So, this is a very interesting place to be.
Thankfully my St/Vk husband is supportive of me. Seriously, he is such a Rock Star man. Well, truly he wants my internal pendulum to swing back closer to WILD. He benefits greatly when I am more balanced and adventurous.
So. I am pushing my self out of my cave. Life is too short and I want to be ready to adventure out again. My heart feels guarded. Big time guarded. I desperately do not want to be hurt again. I have a hard time separating sex and feelings and honestly, I don’t want to separate them. I am a lover. I am tender. But I am strong and resilient.
Time to dust off those red high heels~
A:S imageMuch love~ as always~
xoxox
A/s
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Open Relationships
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Alphasiren
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The Great State of In Between
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Posted:Nov 18, 2012 11:26 am
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2013 8:59 pm
4888 Views
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As unique as a finger print, so are the types of relationships two people create together. We are finding that no “defined group” captures what we want, what we are looking for in a relationship with others, outside of our open marriage. Somehow we have landed in the state of being in between. Not quite in the swinger world and not quite in the polyamorous universe. Very perplexing. It’s curious to me how the two styles of life do not jive well together.
Swingers, for the most part, steer clear of the heart connection. Poly people on the other hand talk about swingers, not with disdain, but a type of pity. I know I have experienced both feelings and it fascinates me that there are not more people like us……In between.
I was listening to a past podcast by Cooper and Ginger from Life On The Swingset (I highly recommend listening to them. They are great!) on the fine line between poly & swingers.
;http://Couples Dating.com;
Both my St/Vk and I have listened to it, which is why I am writing on the topic now. We have both felt, at times, alienated from certain groups because of our tendencies to swing both ways. (that made me laugh!) And these feelings have stirred deep emotions in both of us. Do we have to choose one way of being? Why do people shy away when we talk about heart connection and relationships? And others shy away when we talk about one night stands?
How do we reconcile our preferences without scaring people off? Staying true to what we feel seems to be working for us so far. It goes beyond sexual preference, yet is very similar. I, typically, am not bi-sexual. Not too many women float my sexual boat. It’s the same way in relationships. I would not want to be in a “relationship” with everyone we meet. Some people we would just like to be vanilla friends with while a select few others we would like try out for sex (Feels a little weird even writing that down.) While the rare few we have met, we would like to have “more” with.
I know in the big picture we want more than sex. We want relationships and deep heart connections with one or two couples. But in the meantime… Do we just keep it open?
We have joined swinger sites and polyamorous sites to meet like minded people. I write about swinging and polyamory. Screening, weeding, sifting and sorting, looking for people that speak our relationship language. Searching for people that fit both of us just right.
Some times it feels impossible.
As if we are the only ones who feel like this. I know that it’s not true. I read other people’s poly & swinger blogs. See that others are experiencing the highs and lows of having an open marriage and know we are not unique. We’ve been close before to finding the perfect couple for us, but the puzzle pieces did not fit just right. Which was heart breaking. And made us seriously consider if this lifestyle was the right choice for our relationship.
We’ve come out on the other side, stronger and more clear that we want to maintain an open marriage. More capable of navigating that great state of in between. Open to possibilities. Ready for adventure.
Much love as always~
xoxoxoxoxoxoo
A/s
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No Fly Zone
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Posted:Aug 21, 2012 8:55 am
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2012 11:26 am
5372 Views
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There is a constant flow of communication when you are entering into an open marriage/relationship. It is intense at first and can become tense throughout the time you are actively engaging in relationships with others. One of the main dynamics that needs to be established is your “no fly zone” What are your boundaries and can your partner support you in these limits?
My St/Vk ( my nickname I have given my most amazing husband, Striking Viking) and I have two hard and fast no fly zones. No family members and no close friends. This makes sense to both of us.
We are both blessed with very attractive friends and family! He comes from a family of very handsome and highly sexual men, (I scored with the best one!!) And I have a group of friends that are red hot sexy and beautiful. Needless to say, we had to deal with this issue very early in our negotiations as we opened our marriage.
Relationships are crucial to us both. And that is why we have established these boundaries. Not to take away from the relationships and friendships we have developed along our path, but the old time cherished friendships and the family bonds we share are too close to each of us to take any risks with.
Risks. Yes.. There are risks in open relationships. There are risks in any relationship. But to mitigate the amount of potential hurt and confusion you must be clear on what works for you and what does not. The thought of losing one of my long time friends or the possible amount of drama bringing a family member into our relationship is just not worth it. It feels like a potential set up for disaster.
I am clear that the whole point of this opening of our relationship is to increase love and connection. And why would I not be receptive to including my friends or family in this adventure? Realistically, it just does not work for me at this point and it just feels better to both of us to keep these clear boundaries.
We have run across some interesting boundaries that other couples have created for themselves. Some that we agree with and some that we do not. Many do not play or date separately. A few do not kiss anyone but their primary partner. Others agree not to engage in any intimate activities until all parties have met and get to know each other. With each relationship there are an unlimited amount of possible no fly zones to be explored.
There has to be a genuine understanding between you and your sweetheart before moving forward and remember, even if you have agreed to hard and fast “no fly zones” anything and everything is still open for re-negotiation.
This is the point where patience, flexibility and more overarching, huge love comes in very handy. People change. Energy shifts and that “human nature shit” can kick in at anytime. You know what I am talking about.
So, be aware. Be supportive. and most importantly be loving~
Much love as always~
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
A/s
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balance
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Posted:Jul 31, 2012 4:02 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 10:39 pm
5115 Views
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As we move through our open marriage adventure, my husband and I have noticed there've been times where we've been way out of balance. Both individually and as a couple.
Whether it is NRE (new relationship energy), an overload of responsibilities, or a stack of reports and paperwork waiting~ There are a plethera of opportunities for imbalance to occur in an open, non-monogamous relationship.
At times I have felt very emotionally and responsibility lopsided when we/I are out of balance.
The last two springs we have been heavily involved with other couples. Passion, thrills and excitement. Can't get enough, need to see them all the time. Totally and happily consumed with the the new relationship energy.
There are some big indicators when I am out of balance. The most obvious is our house and yard start looking neglected. Our families and friends wonder where we are and our alone time becomes even more limited. And my man starts passionately attacking me in the night, looking for time alone with me!
It's a double edged sword. On one hand we truly enjoy it when we are in an intimate relationship with another couple, but our other realities and responsibilities suffer.
We are not seeing anyone else consistently right now and life is pretty mellow. We are back to yard work and house projects, family dinners and some very yummy alone time. Living the dream however vanilla it is.
I am not complaining. I am just noticing. I am noticing the fullness of my life, and at the same time missing the intimate friendships fiercely. It's weird to have so many amazing friends and such a happy life, yet still be in a type of mourning for a relationship that has disappeared. Really mourning. The cycles of grief over the loss is really staying in my heart and I keep waiting for it to subside.
So, moving forward, how will we maintain balance when we move into another type of intimate friendship? I am sure it will happen again, and I want to be prepared to set us all up for happiness.
My St/Vk says we just are not ready for this type of relationship...yet. We have too many responsibilities and can't go off every weekend, it's not doable. Then he smiles at me an tells me not to despair, we are so close to being there, with one leaving for college next month and another a year away from college....I can taste it~ !!!
Staying balanced takes some significant knowledge of your primary relationship and what you both need. Looking at your family dynamics and making sure that you put your family and 's needs first. (I have a tendency to let everything slip when I am in wild mode.)
Plan ahead, but prepare for the unexpected. Nurturing flexibilty and creativity so everyone's needs are being taken into consideration. This is an old parenting motto that is very prevalent in my life with my dynamic .
Make time for each other. Make it a priority. If there has been little to no intimate time with my St/Vk we both get grumpy an feel disconnected. I would bowl him over wanting to go out or go see our friends and he would be frustrated. Take time~
Do you remember the Dr. Suess story of Yertle the Turtle and how he has everyone balancing so he can be the King of all he sees? Then poor little Mack at the bottom asks for some relief and finally burps and all of the turtles loose their balance and they all fall into the mud? There are times when I have felt like Mack, holding it all together~
Balancing your relationships can be richly rewarding. Setting priorities and checking in with the people that are important to you is crucial to getting perspective and maintaining your relationship balance. Anyone that you are in a relationship with will better understand when you communicate your need to maintain balance.
Stay balanced~ be loving~ it's totally doable!
Much love always~
xoxoxoxox
A/s
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P.S. It's nice to be back writing~ I am feeling back in the groove and look forward to connecting again~
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Expectation Limbo~ how low can you go?
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Posted:May 31, 2012 8:50 am
Last Updated:May 31, 2012 8:50 am
5460 Views
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Expectation Limbo~ how low can you go?
My mother called me last night. Another glitch in her house selling/buying fiasco. She was very upset and the topic of expectations came up.
Expectations. Those nasty little things that have the potential to set us up for failure, heart-break and disappointment.
Expectations were brutal to me in my younger years. The most poignant work I have done around expectations was with my relationship with my father. I would have these expectations around him that he “should” know my birthday. That he “should” call me more often. That he “should” be the father and grandfather I expected him to be. What an epic fail that was for me. I would be so furious with him that we had a difficult time being close for many years. Until I realized that I was trying to change him. Attempting to fit my gypsy~bohemian~sailor father into a mold that would never work for him. In some sense I set him free. Free of my expectations.
The chart below I’ve found to be very clarifying around the certain feelings that come up when we are personally attached to rigid expectations. All the feelings below are avoidable on some level if we have the self-awareness to identify the process and avoid the pitfalls that occur with these trains of thought.
By doing this self work around my “daddy issues” I opened up a whole new relationship with my father. One of respect, admiration and genuine love. My dad is a rock star. He lives life on his own terms and anyone that has tried to chain him down with their expectations, well, they were in for a world of hurt. Now when he shows up I am always happy to see him as are my . We respect his life and enjoy his presence.
This was a huge turning point for me in my life. I can’t say that I have let go of expectations, I am human after all, but since learning this lesson, I am much more practical and realistic about life and people.
I have worked diligently on how to make this apply to all of my relationships, both platonic and intimate.
In my relationship with my amazing St/Vk, we constantly have to do reality checks that measure our levels of expectations around each other and our actions. The reality check is very important between us. What do we want to have happen and what is the likely hood of that manifesting? Setting us and the people we are intimate with up for the best possible outcome(s).
But life is not some predictable thing, is it? Life changes, feeling change. Change is the only constant. So how do we move forth with our personal expectations knowing that it is inevitable that there will be some kind of change?
A certain level of spiritual growth has to happen here. You know the saying, everything happens for a reason? Well, apply that here. In my work, I ask people to develop their own personal surfboards so they can surf through the waves of life. The highs, the lows and the unexpected. By learning to detach from the outcomes and enjoy the moment seems impossible to do, but I urge you to experiment with it.
Especially with the non monogamous relationship model, you have to check your reality/expectation ratio frequently. Meeting new people, dating, boundaries. It can all be overwhelming. In both the positive and negative forms of overwhelm.
I am not trying to say don’t have expectations in general, just be mindful of what you manifest with them. Release the need to know and control the outcomes. I am painfully aware that this is easier said than done. The rage I used to feel around expectations was emotionally crippling for me. You don’t have to be Buddha or Eckhart Tolle to do this work!
Be as realistically optimistic as you can.
The glass is truly half full~ you choose your outcome!
Much love as always~
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox
A/s
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P.S. Dream big~~~~ and keep it real!
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Co-Rippiling~~~~
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Posted:May 14, 2012 1:21 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2012 6:47 pm
5536 Views
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One of the beautiful aspects of being in an open marriage is the ability to increase your intimate energy with others. To live, laugh, love and be close. To expand your relationship to include people on a very deep level.
(Fyi~in no way does this take away from my St/Vk and our relationship. In fact even the conflicts we have experienced have brought us closer and stronger in the end.)
Co-Rippilling is like co-creating but more fluid. It lends a certain energy to your relationship which increases your happiness and over all well being.
When we have had intimate friends in the past it gave me a sense of not being alone. That if the unimaginable happened to my St/Vk, I would have a team of support me. To have the peace of mind that if one of the four of us were hurt, the other three would be there to love and support each other through it all. It gave me a sense of well being and security that no amount of money ever could.
Emotional security.
This type of dynamic is very much intimate and life giving. Being in relationship with more than one can help as much as it can hinder though. Most people that work diligently at it find the friendships and relationships they develop to be a positive addition to their lives.
Digging a little deeper into the emotional security aspect of the co-rippiling analogy is what occurs when you find relationships that enhance your life in all areas. When you are happy with one partner, it flows naturally to others and vice versa. And when you are in a type of funk or have a problem, there are others to process with in a way that goes beyond normal friendships.
The intimacy, deep sharing and knowledge you have of each other lends to being able to support each other on a very different level. More so than say a close friend or relative.
My St/Vk and I are in the middle of life right now. almost out of the house!!! Looking at our parents and wondering how it is going to all go down with them as they age and how we deal with the responsibility of their care and well-being. With all of this, even if you are fortunate enough to have a strong partner, there is still the possibility that something can happen to one of you.
To be very real here, that scares the shit out of me. Yes, me who has been a strong independent women living her own for much of my life, I have become rather dependent on my St/Vk. I don't sleep well without him, I miss him when we are apart. Although I know I could do it without him, I would be devastated if something happened to him.
This is one of the practical parts of polyamory and open relationships that I am strongly drawn to. The love and support that a triad or quad can bring to each other is significant.
In my daily OM today this struck a cord;
The Power of the Circle
Uniting in Thought and Action
When we are in circle with others, the energy stays contained within the group giving back to all.
There are many reasons for why a gathering of people in a circle is powerful. A circle is a shape that is found repeatedly throughout the natural world, and it is a symbol of perfection. We recreate this perfect shape when we join others to form a circle. Being in a circle allows us experience each other as equals. Each person is the same distance apart from the next participant, and no one is seated higher than or stands apart from others in a circle. From tribal circles to the mythical round table of King Arthur, the circle has been the shape adopted by gatherings throughout history.
Finding people that you can have this type of relationship is very rare and I have seen many people struggle with different aspects of being in a non-monogamous/open/poly lifestyles with various ranges of success an failures.
This is the dynamic I am referring to. More than a commune or a community. Adding to your relationship in a meaningful way. The synergy that can be created with more than two can be supportive and comforting for all people involved.
I have heard many stories from all aspects of living in this lifestyle, whether it is swingers, polyamorous, or just plain ole OPEN, they have made some of the best friends in life through living this way. I have found people in truly open relationships are just happier. Marriages more honest and open. The positive-ness is really astounding.
The unfortunate piece is that co-rippliling can go both ways. The positive and to the negative. When things are not good with others, your relationships can all suffer. Just as it would be with any type of relationship. At times this can look like co-rippilings flip-side, co-dependence. Which for people who have serious mental or emotional health issues can eat them and the people they care about up. BY looking at people's behaviors and reactions you can help keep each other real and in the moment.
The best aspect that we have found is the reflection of others to work on your issues and come out the other side stronger and more balanced. Even when it hurts to hear the truth, the trust in that the collective only wants the best for you and the relationships is the way to move forward.
Win-Win-Win-Win
Right? That's why we roll this way, and ripple~ for the win!
Much love as always~
~~~~~~~~~~~xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/s
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Fading.........
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Posted:Mar 22, 2012 11:22 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2012 1:02 pm
5671 Views
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A few years ago when my St/Vk and I started to date other couples, we had our first encounter with a potential relationship couple. We talked about being closest and best friends. We texted or emailed daily and saw each other frequently for a few months.
During the get to know you stage, I asked about their prior relationships and why they did not work out. The therapist in me asks this of many of the couples we meet in open marriages. The husband of the couple told me that things just fade away. I guess as it happens with many failed relationships, this would be a dynamic in multi-relationships as well.
Of course when I hear the word, fading, I think of gang related, marijuana use related and/or the other derogatory ways the word is used which turn me off. But really, now that I have experienced it, the term really sadly works for this kind of experience.
Nothing really prepared me for our first experience with this fading concept. I was crushed and confused. Thankfully I was not extremely emotionally attached or invested in this couple, but it sucked none the less.
We were all four together and something triggered the wife of the couple and she quickly got up and left, her husband running after her looked at me and said,
“I am so sorry.”
All of the best friend talk and the texting, dates, future planning and communicating came to a screeching halt. The only thing we heard was she was taking a break. and the fading began……………………….
I heard from him occasionally. He texted me for holidays, my birthday, Valentine’s day for the first year. We expressed that we missed each other an how sad we both were that things went sideways so fast. The casualties of breaking up without wanting to can lead to feeling very helpless.
We saw them a few months ago at a club. It had been about 2 years since that last date and I was a little stunned. She walked right by us with wide eyes. Like we had done something wrong or offensive. Or like we would do or say something. She looked scared! I smiled at her and my St/Vk just looked away. I quickly looked around for him, found him and he was looking right at me.
The minute we made eye contact, he looked away. My amazing St/Vk asked me if I was ok? I said that of course I was ok. My sadness had indeed faded, I just felt confused that four people that were so close for a short time would not even be able to say hello or be civil. I am on good terms with almost everyone I have even been close to, I am not used to the feeling of being shunned.
Later on that night, he walked by me and was attempting to look at me and she grabbed his hand and pulled him away. So sad.
Then I heard that song by Gotye, Someone I Used To Know:
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now that you are someone I used to know….
Fading.
Something I am determined to not let happen again. Even if things don’t work out with our current friendships or future ones, I will work diligently on making things right and not allowing the dynamic of fading to happen. I understand clearly that I can’t control, nor do I want to, the decisions of others. What I can do is help facilitate closure when it looks like there are irreconcilable differences.
The feeling of abandonment combined with the lack of closure is much to painful for me and my tender hearted soul. Grief and heartache happen when we lose relationships. Even when they are not based in the romantic realm.
Life is just too short to not try and be on good terms with all people. Don’t you agree?
Much love, as always~
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
A/s
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Assumption Clouds
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Posted:Mar 19, 2012 7:06 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 10:39 pm
5529 Views
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When you move from a traditional, monogamous relationship model into an open relationship, things can become cloudy fast. There are a variety of things you can be and, within that category, there are certain degrees of what you do or don’t like or how you define yourself.
We start to look online for connection with others. We make assumptions about other people by the way they look or how they define themselves through social media. Trying to figure out the possibility of connection before actually meeting people in the flesh.
To make matters more intense, as you meet people and have experiences, you can shift how you feel and what you think midstream. Maybe you feel more bi-sexual with certain people, or you don’t have an emotional attraction to someone that you are physically attracted to? Or if your spouse is not into being emotionally attached and you are, yet you do not want to play separate? It can turn into a quagmire of confusion before your eyes.
When you read the books and ask the experts they all say the same thing. Make your agreements, know your boundaries, be a mega communicator, don’t have expectations. The list goes on. However much you do to keep your relationship in tact there is not accounting for the constant changing of our human nature.
In the book Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, they talk about agreements and human nature:
In our experience, it’s rare for an agreement to last a lifetime without change: human beings change, and so do agreements. The way you can tell that your agreement needs to change is when someone doesn’t agree anymore. Janet and one of her partners, for example, began their relationship with an agreement that they could be sexual with other people, but that they couldn’t fall in love with anyone else. Then one of them did. (In hindsight, this seems like a fairly silly agreement— as though you could simply decide not to fall in love!)
We see it all the time, the people being married for years and all of the sudden one person changes and leaves a relationship. What happened? “I changed” is the answer we hear so often. Grew up. Figured out who I am. Mid life crisis. Who knows what makes people change. A dear friend of mine married her college sweetheart, had two and were living their dream together. Started to have some rough patches over parenting style and then WHAMMO, he says he can’t work it out and wants out.
What the hell changed? Where did he go? I doubt he even knows.
All of this is about assumptions. We can’t make them. We need to ask and clarify frequently with ourselves and others that we are in relationship with. Check in with each other and be extremely honest with where you are and how you feel. And whether you are the one asking the questions or being asked the questions be prepared to be honest. Being an active listener to your partner and to yourself.
Urban Dictionary defines Assumptions as:
the mother of all fuckups. Example——-
Don’t make assumptions or they will fuck you sideways
Be authentic, but do it with love and care. And if you don’t know, say it. Work your hardest not to shut people out that love you so they know where you are at and how you are feeling.
By doing this you can build a trusting relationship and go deeper. So even if the dreaded happens and there is a separation, you do so with love and care for each other. None of this total abandonment which triggers our deepest fears.
When in doubt, ASK. Plain and simple. Put your pride, ego or vulnerability aside and embrace the humble action of bringing up the questions in your heart.
Try not to ASS/U/ME~
Only then will you be able to wipe away the clouds and see more clearly the path in front of you~
Much love and clarity~
xoxoxox
A/s
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Temper, Temper, Temperament
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Posted:Mar 9, 2012 9:43 am
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2012 11:42 am
5570 Views
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As I move through the journey of being in an open marriage, life seems to be throwing some significant cosmic 2x4s square at my psyche~ As I peel back the layers, some lovely and some ancient gnarled knots, I am learning some deep lessons about myself.
One thing that has been puzzling me is the concept of my free will vs. my temperament.
First you should know your temperament. For those of you that need a refresher:
tem·per·a·ment~ noun
1.the combination of mental, physical, and emotional traits of a person; natural predisposition. 2.unusual personal attitude or nature as manifested by peculiarities of feeling, temper, action, etc., often with a disinclination to submit to conventional rules or restraints.
This has been a huge thing for both my St/Vk and me. Know your temperament. No matter how much you strive to "be" something you want to be; ie: less jealous, bi-sexual, emotionally open... the list can go on forever) You might just not have the natural pre-disposition to achieve it totally.
Then we have free will. I looked up free will and found a compelling description of free will on the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy:
“Free Will” is a philosophical term of art for a particular sort of capacity of rational agents to choose a course of action from among various alternatives. Which sort is the free will sort is what all the fuss is about. (And what a fuss it has been: philosophers have debated this question for over two millennia, and just about every major philosopher has had something to say about it.) Most philosophers suppose that the concept of free will is very closely connected to the concept of moral responsibility. Acting with free will, on such views, is just to satisfy the metaphysical requirement on being responsible for one's action.
My free will wants to embrace the concepts and philosophies of a woman in a marriage that is non monogamous. To be secure and happy when my St/Vk is having fun and to be better than ok with that. I rationally, intellectually and philosophically want this. But when it comes down to it, I get triggered sometimes. Not all the time, but when it happens it happens big and I feel like a fool/freak/idiot. Then I feel shame (see my earlier post on shame) and either fight or flight. Ugly.
So which on is stronger? My free will or my temperament? Is my temperament something that can be healed, shifted and/or changed? What determines temperament? Is it childhood traumas? Is it the fact that I am a Pisces? Or a Fire ? Where the stars were aligned when I was born?
I know that if I wanted to go back to being a vanilla monogamous wife, if that was truly what I wanted, my husband would be right there with me and vice versa. I am not doing this for him individually or for myself individually. We are choosing this type of life style for us and the deepening of our relationship and the open line of communication. Building trust and connection through each experience.
My contention is that I am in control of my destiny. The more that I know and understand my temperamental triggers the better I can navigate through the type of relationships I want to have in my life, both platonic and intimate.
...and of course having a rock star husband who stands by me through it all and keeps this girl anchored in reality, even when it is ugly and embarrassing, is the best part of it all!!
So, with each adventure, we re-group and choose; The red pill or the blue pill?
I love this getting older stuff~ rock and roll~
Much love as always~
xoxoxoxox
A/s
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((Be)(Loved))
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Posted:Feb 17, 2012 2:57 pm
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2012 10:23 pm
5672 Views
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In this season of "love" how is it I can be original in my thoughts about love and how they pertain to people in open relationship? If you have been reading my blog lately, you know I have been struggling. I have half written blogs on jealousy, abandonment, temperament and shame. But I decided to leave that all in the backseat while I allow something life-giving to take the front and center stage in my heart~
BeLoved~ How do we break it down? To be loved~ Be loved yourself? Be loved by others? Be loving? The significant spiritual Beloved?
All of the above is my vote.
How do we open our selves up to Be Loved? Truly Loved. To experience love with out fear of being abandoned or forgotten or fear of emotional scarring? Is there anyway to make sure of being loved unconditionally?
Don Miguel Ruiz talks about the emotional healing required to begin this process in his book The Mastery of Love:
It is Love. Love is the medicine that accelerates the process of healing. There is no other medicine but unconditional love. Not: I love you if, or I love myself if. There is no if. There is no justification. There is no explanation. It is just love. Love yourself, love your neighbor, and love your enemies. This is simple, common sense, but we cannot love others until we love ourselves. That is why we must begin with self-love.
We all know that the love we have for our and family is much different than the love we have for our spouse(s). One we are born into/biological. I would forgive my family and especially my for anything and no matter how much I like or don't like their actions, I will always love them. In our society our love for people that are not family feels very conditional to me, which probably feeds my fears. This is a very unhealthy dynamic which is all too common in our world.
I have been thinking a lot about love. How I love people in my life. How it expands me and makes my life happier. And the most crucial aspect to my own well being, how I love myself. I do this primarily for myself, but I also do this for my St/Vk and our relationship so we can continue with our open relationship, bringing more love and happiness into our lives, and release the fears that have been holding me/us back.
I have been working on how to heal myself and my past traumas. Through talk therapy, physical activity and today I tried Reiki for the first time.... wow~ It felt very powerful to be reminded of my heart and healing the part of me that did not remember that I am BeLoved. It was an interesting experience to realize that the trauma must have happened before I was verbal. Possibly as a baby. The energy was trapped in my throat. By releasing this jagged pain, I began to feel the warmth of loving myself completely.
To be my own BeLoved.
I left the session feeling light headed. Happy, but not ecstatic. A type of gentle shift away from the negativity which was holding me back from being the loving woman I know I am at the very depths of my being.
Deep sigh of relief knowing that the baby steps of healing ancient hurts will help me move forward in loving and trusting more.
Woman is the light of God, not just the beloved. It is as she is creative, not be created.
╭♥╯Rumi
Sending you all the most BeLoved Love today on Valentine's Day~
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
A/s
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And a special Valentine's Day shout out to my St/Vk~ The patience of a Saint and the love of a God~ I do love you so~
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Comforting Heartache
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Posted:Feb 8, 2012 2:04 pm
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2012 3:26 pm
5796 Views
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We have run into an interesting dynamic the past few weeks: My St/Vk has had to comfort me through some serious heartbreak/ache. As we were in the midst of a serious cry, me not him, he said that this would be an interesting thing to blog about.
How to comfort your significant other through heartbreak.
In open relationships, as with any relationship, there can be any number of relationship dynamics. I’m currently experiencing heartache. We have recently been through some drama, which has resulted in some significant changes in an intimate friendship. I have been SO SAD. Tears have been frequent and just a cloud of heartache has been looming over me for weeks now.
My St/Vk has been a pillar of strength and wisdom through this, but I can tell it has been confusing for him. How can his wife be so in love with him and heart broken over someone else simultaneously? And how does he comfort me through this and take care of himself and his ego in the process?
So far, he has been awesome. He is doubling up on the love and care. He usually treats me better than a Queen. But the past few weeks he has been amazing. Patient, loving and kind.
We have had a few points where he has been hurt by my sadness, when he starts to take it personally and my sadness is too much and he wonders when will I “snap out of it”
Fortunately, these moments have been rare and fleeting and we talk about it before it becomes an issue. His level of dedication to us overwhelms me and helps my heart heal. The things that he has done which help the most are:
* Encourage me to talk and talk
* Hold me while I cry and cry
* Does not push me to do more than I am ready to do
* Kicks my ass and gets me going
* Loves me completely
* Process with me so I/we can learn through the pain
* Gives me the time and space I need when I need it
* Makes me laugh despite my self
What a guy, right? I am so blessed. I wonder what works for other couples when this happens? I know there have been moments that have felt surreal for me as I am mourning and I am wrapped in my St/Vk’s big strong arms and I am so filled with love. Part of me thought, I love being held by him, and the sadness would start to subside a little…
I never would wish this pain on my husband, but if it ever happens to him, I only hope I can be as loving and supportive as he has been to me~
He puts his bare palm on my bare chest. The warmth of his hand reminds my heart that it is not abandoned. It is loved completely and he is there helping me heal, grow and move forward.
Much love as always~
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxoox
A/s
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P.S. I should take out stock in Dr. Bach’s Rescue Remedy~ Helps keep me balanced through my emotional turmoil~ xoxo
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Compassion
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Posted:Dec 31, 2011 9:11 am
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2011 9:12 am
5600 Views
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Compassion
Aaahhhh~ writing it has been a while~
Things are changing in me. I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. Someone who has helped me years ago when I was facing some significant life changes and challenges. She does not know much about the dynamics of open marriages, but she knows me and that is where I felt I needed to start.
I started out by explaining to her about what has been going on for me in the past two years. I felt a little blown away by telling the tale in it’s entirety and my reactions and responses. What a big change in myself and my marriage to my St/Vk.
After two sessions, she asked me two big questions. ” Are you happy?” for which my answer was, “Yes, I am very happy” and then, after noticing a theme of me reacting with the punishing, anger, and running away, she asked me to try being more compassionate with myself.
Compassionate? I am the QUEEN of compassion! Well, maybe not like Kuan Yin, but I am pretty damn compassionate:
Except when it comes to myself and wanting to walk my talk. I have a hard time being compassionate with myself. In fact in order for me to be compassionate with myself right now I almost have to trick myself into it. When I start feeling the fear bubble up in me, whether it is expressed in anger, rage or despair, I imagine them as a little girl who is not getting her needs met. I open my imaginary arms and give her a huge hug. I shower her with a mist of purple gold love energy letting her know she is ok. She is loved and she is enough.
Then I take a deep breath..sometimes quite a few of them and work hard on re-framing my fear into love and compassion for myself and others.
It is really intense. My anger/jealous/possessive freak instinct has been well-fed and in bedded in my heart for 25 years now. And sometimes the battle is intense, almost crippling. I keep taking my baby steps forward even when I take some steps back. The fear of abandonment is so deep in me there are times I feel I am going to need emotional surgery to extract it from my being.
We got a zodiac book as a gift for Christmas this year and one of our decided to read the signs out loud. I am proud of being a Pisces, but the rant that this book went on about the hyper/ultra/intense sensitivity of a Pisces was a little jaw-dropping. She was reading it to me and to my mother who is also a Pisces. It mentioned the act of compassion that is a gift for the Pisces. Sigh ~ I need a bigger cup of Pisces self-love!
I am taking off the boxing gloves. I am done beating myself up. Even more pro-active, I am going closer to the source so I do not go to those ancient reactions and take my breaths when I start feeling those feeling instead of having to do the major cleans ups after my emotional oil spills. I am counting on the self compassion theory to help remedy that. 
I am shifting. Moving through my pain and fears with compassion and a pretty good sense of humor! Through the struggles and the strife I am making things work for me and much better for those close to me, too. It’s a win-win outcome. I am going to make the year 2012 the year of self-love and compassion as I move into my 46th year of life~
Much love ~ to you and to me!
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A/s
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