hi and welcome back
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Posted:Oct 23, 2006 6:14 am
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2006 6:25 am
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I opened a geocities site that has my new blog as a link. If you are interested, please send me an email asking for a link.
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keep posted...
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Posted:Oct 4, 2006 7:46 am
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2006 9:31 am
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my geocities site will be up and running, with my blog as a link. look for this information soon.
hugs to all my friends.
HB
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Once Again
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Posted:Sep 22, 2006 9:01 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2006 9:11 pm
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I am reevaluating the value of this blog here. I have been tracked and flamed through my words.
How unfair this is, when he does not understand what a fool he was to begin with! He nearly lost her through his irrational jealous actions. I loved and supported her in her decision to stay with him. And I am in turn, hated.
I refuse to live in a world of hate. Let it go, for I had very little to do with her decision. Go pick on the other guy...he is the real culprit; not me.
You judge me harshly and unfairly. Let it go or you will lose her through your...YOUR behaviors. And you better work like hell to hang on to such a precious woman. If she were me, I would have left your sorry ass years ago.
You claim 'anti family' yet this is hypocritical at the very least. You, who decided to change rules mid game. How fair is this?
Contemplate very very carefully your actions and your reactions. Be careful or you may well lose her. Because of me?? no no I loved her, truly, and I grieve losing her every day. Because of you? Yes, my friend, like the situation that arose before when she had to avoid me to protect me, from you and your stalking. You prevented our friendship. How foolish...you cut off your nose to spite your face.
Be careful you don't do it with her, too.
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The Thing About...
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Posted:Sep 20, 2006 7:16 am
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2006 12:40 am
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feeling so 'raw' is that this is where the true meat of life lies. And when the underbelly of life is exposed, it makes for some great writing.
My divorce finalized a year ago, today. I spent the day with my girlfriend at the Burke Museum; she fed me lunch and two glasses of wine and sent me to the courthouse to stand before the judge. My ex husband was there, surprised to see me. His eyes were wet.
We stood at the high desk while the judge stamped the paperwork with little emotion. It was anticlimactic after the work we put into it. The next morning I spent in bed with her and my then-lover. It was one of the happiest times I spent with him, and she always did brighten my days. She has moved on now, to a new state and he has moved on now, to new people.
How tenuous, transient this life of relationships can be. We are left with ourselves, with only the guarantee of ourselves, and even that is uncertain.
I look around this bedroom I did not know existed, a year ago, and I am comforted by my eternal optimism. I know I am headed in a direction that I am supposed to take. God grant me the will, the grace, and the strength to do so.
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Defenses
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Posted:Sep 19, 2006 8:04 am
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2006 7:17 pm
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I woke up hard this morning; groggy, my body and mind stuffy and slow.
No defenses after they were stripped through last night's dream work have left me feeling empty and alone. I wonder again if I make the right choices; I am full of self-doubt this morning.
I do believe we have a higher power, and that there is a reason we attract whom we do in our lives, for whatever reason, in whatever role. God has turned his face away from me these past two years because he has bigger fish to fry.
I awaken in my empty bed to sounds of rain on my skylight. It is a new day; may the cobwebs leave my body and brain, may my walls go back up.
Have a good day, everyone!
HB
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Better to Live and Love, Rather than to Never Love at All
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Posted:Sep 16, 2006 11:14 am
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2006 3:42 pm
5791 Views
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Here is a moral/philisophical question for you:
Would you rather be born blind, or to lose your sight later?
In the context of living and loving, it means you would rather not have the experience than to have it, then lose it through no fault of your own.
Wouldn't it be richer, albeit more painful, to have nine weeks with someone you trusted your soul with than to never have had the experience? Even if, the end meant the inevitable pain and sorrow that comes with loss?
Funny how at night the angels would gather around my bed; I could almost hear the rustling of angel wings as they folded and settled, to abide with me. They brought messages to me which were clear and true, yet I could not do what they said I must.
Because in revealing who I really am, I knew I would lose him. I am stronger now than I was nine weeks ago and I pray that this strength will serve me. And someday I will know what it feels like to be accepted completely for who and what I am.
"And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
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Waiting for a Lover
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Posted:Sep 12, 2006 7:10 pm
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2006 10:30 pm
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How wonderful to be awaiting a lover! I am sitting in my cozy chair in my bedroom, the evening breeze blowing over my bare arms. I have been writing this past two hours; the muses called me earlier this evening.
He will join me, all 159 pounds of passion and good will. His soul shines from his eyes; his spirit surrounds him like a soft, sweet aura. He will smile somewhat guardedly as will I. We have both been in our own worlds full of obligation, work, and yes, pain. It will take a few moments offered generously to reconnect, and then the smiles will become open and infectious.
His touch on me, offered as a simple unadorned testament to his communion with his angels, has a way of igniting my soul. He cannot stay; work calls him away. And still, we are yet in that state of suspended time so that watching the clock is resented. I will feed him in my dining room even though he protests he is not hungry. Or perhaps, like Scherehezade, I will feed him sticky dates and wine in my bed.
I breathe him in, my appreciation of his presence in my life in full bloom. I am so grateful for this man friend, even as we struggle in our need to understand our sorrows. For in the clear light of knowing arrives...
JOY
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Vanity
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Posted:Sep 9, 2006 11:21 am
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2006 7:13 pm
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My vanity is in full bloom these days. Coming from a Catholic girl whose development was influenced by nuns in habits, this is truly one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
Witness the blog entry before this one. I have emerged as a pretty good writer this year, with this blog serving as a platform to put my words out there. Blogs are, as I have said before, the absolute best feature of this website. I am so damn grateful to have a group of people who take the time to read my work. And I am constantly amazed at the thoughtfulness of comments left here.
This blog and the community of readers here have launched me into a dream I have always held...to publish. Of course I am proud of this actualization of a secret dream. My writing is the one thing in my life that allows me to bridge my many different lifestyles.
Thank you all for allowing my vanity to bloom.
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My Literotica.com Poetry
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Posted:Sep 9, 2006 11:02 am
Last Updated:Sep 9, 2006 11:04 am
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Set Me Free
ike the caged canary or the tethered falcon, I am smothered by my need for unfettered freedom this morning. Yet so much sorrow creates a downdraft.
Set me free, let me arc into that great unknown void which is a future bereft of your solid rationality. I yield to its deep sadness as my heart shudders in fear.
Set Me Free, II
The tethered falcon slipped her hood and ankle restraints, looking back at her master as she took full measure of his pain last night along a foggy stretch of I-5 between Tacoma and Seattle.
Sharp-eyed yet reluctant to take the leap off his arm, she waited as was her wont for his signal, his command. In one long agonizingly painful moment she realized he had turned away because her weight on his arm was too great, her fetters had slipped, she was free to go. His heart was not into it and his hand signals had become confusing to read while she, in her sadness and confusion felt left behind. Her truth had been painfully revealed and it was too much for them both.
With one tentative leap today she takes flight, arcing into that great unknown void bereft of all the juiciness, thrills and adventures she knew with him; his friendship when she needed his fire to reinforce her backbone, his sensible, solid advice. While her heart shudders in fear, her spirit looks to the universe beyond, as slowly, her wings, stiff from 9 months of rest, begin their cadence.
I will love and miss him for a long, long time
Soaring
And so I soar on the wings of rebirth, up into the eternal blue of an ever-promising sky.
No song passes my throat as my silent warrior wings carry me up into that jubilant arc. Looking back I see her below, that uncertain girl, that sorrowful shell.
I will move, stretching these wings, exhausting them until I need to rest. And resting I will find you in my triumphant heart.
You were there, here, all along.
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Hunger
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Posted:Sep 7, 2006 5:37 pm
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2006 5:40 pm
5894 Views
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After a year of feeling so anxious I rarely ate in front of my ex-lover, I am feeling hungry again.
Funny thing, that. It is the kind of hunger that hits deep and wide: when I need to eat, I need to eat NOW. My appetite for food is returning and it is a welcome visitor. I know if I begin to experience stress again, my eating will slow down.
The trick is to put only healthy food in my body, now, which ordinarily would not be a problem. Except he does not have a taste for fruits and vegetables. I am willing to compromise, however; my diet of fruits and veg's for his diet of steak and potatoes!!
I am wondering now, since my appetite has returned, if it relates to other hungers I've been having........................
What makes you hungry? What piques your appetite ?
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Soaring
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Posted:Sep 6, 2006 8:51 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 5:22 am
5410 Views
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And so I soar on the wings of rebirth, up into the eternal blue of an ever-promising sky.
No song passes my throat as my silent warrior wings carry me up into that jubilant arc. Looking back I see her below, that uncertain girl, that sorrowful shell.
I will move, stretching these wings, exhausting them until I need to rest. And resting I will find you in my triumphant heart.
You were there, here, all along.
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Getting to Happy, again
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Posted:Sep 5, 2006 3:14 pm
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2006 3:52 pm
5469 Views
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How would it be just to go a day and feel total joy in every moment? To let go of all the worries and thoughts of unhappiness, to allow myself bliss, ecstasy, contentment?
My ex father in law believes you choose to be happy, or unhappy. While this could be seen as a simplistic approach to life, (I see it as nearly annoying in its smugness) there is some beauty to the belief that you create your internal mental state.
So what does it take to let go, allow oneself to simply feel joy? I wonder how many of us adults know what it feels like to be happy?
I am beginning to find the time I spend with a dear man, as it becomes richer, allows for more feelings of happiness and joy (especially as his lover.) While this joy cannot be sustained, just the fact that I can extend it past a post-coital state is amazing to me. I have been hunkered down so long, in my bunker, awaiting either the next untracked scud missile or the end of the war, that the state of happiness is nearly unrecognizable to me. I think, though I am not sure, that if I sit quietly I can feel the stirrings of happy.
Happy, like courage, does not mean there are NOT things that get in the way of expressing it. It means despite your fears, your anxieties, you get back to happy again and again. This is one huge area I need to learn more about.
My ex-husband said to me as I left the marriage, almost as a parting curse, "You will never be happy!" I told him then as I tell you now, "let me give it a try and see. Put me in coach, I'm ready to play!"
What is this around the corner? Could it be...
Happiness?
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Creative Loving
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Posted:Sep 3, 2006 10:19 am
Last Updated:Sep 9, 2006 11:08 am
5456 Views
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My friend Daniel who is one of the wisest men I know, has observed: "women are unhappy and men are complacent, so complacent that they rust."
I am a survivor of a marriage where my exhusband was such a controlled man that he had the same food for breakfast and lunch, everyday, for years; the same ritualistic bedtime; the same vacations at the same spots, same time, every year. And a nearly nonexistent sex life.
I was unhappy. He was complacent.
I left; he is still angry, still mourning the way I destroyed our family and his plans for the future.
Any new relationship is enormously thrilling and exciting. The trick, the proof of a man's willingness to be a creative lover...to step outside of the box of complacency...is to be imaginative. And to love his woman enough to engage her even after years of knowing her.
Do I believe women can become boring lovers too? Oh, most definitely. Do I think men carry the burden of being creative lovers in a LTR? Yes, I do. It may be unfair, and it may be frustrating, but I believe the man must take leadership around this.
From what I know of women, and myself, the man who leads in bed is the man who inspires me to give my all. When was the last time you made love to a woman where if she gave your her all, it was lousy boring sex? Women, most women, love to play seduction games. A creative male lover is hugely seductive to most of us women. Even if we have been with the guy for many many years, know his bathroom habits, the intimacy of his bank account; an imaginative male is a man who is interested in ME enough to find my sexual buttons and push them.
And, in this playspace, this uniquely wonderful adult playtime, ANYthing goes. Women would do well to learn to stay open-minded and in touch with their mysteriously sensual erotic bodies. This type of women, no matter her ethnicity, intelligence, size, shape, childhood history...this woman is JUICY and ripe for playtime.
I am learning the beauty, the absolutely powerful, amazing gift of being the lover of a creative, caring male.
May we all...men and women...be inspired to truly love our partners this weekend. Try something you have never tried before; take the risk to push out of your comfort zone, even in bed.
If my ex had been able to hear, be in touch with, and follow this type of advice, I swear he would have never lost me.
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To link to this blog (heavenly_body39) use [blog heavenly_body39] in your messages.
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