Happy Birthday
|
Posted:May 25, 2006 8:41 am
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2006 2:21 am
2120 Views
|
I turn 50 today!
How shall I spend it?
No plans
Yet.
But I will try to post a treat for you all.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Second Intermission
|
Posted:May 24, 2006 7:14 am
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2006 10:01 am
1986 Views
|
My assignment this week is to make a list of things that 'soothe' me. Not distract me, but soothe me...
here is my list;
1. moving my body (dancing, swimming, soccer when my foot heals;
2. music
3. being with friends, sharing meals
4. writing
5. gardening, planting
6. folding laundry, ironing
7. going on webcam, modeling,
8. shopping (dangerous!)
as you can see, i need to increase the length of this list so that i have something to draw from my toolbox when i need it.
what types of things do you do that soothe your soul?
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
intermission
|
Posted:May 15, 2006 1:26 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2006 6:16 pm
2078 Views
|
just in case you all wondered if i have a smile left, let me assure you that i do...
someone left an email in my box tonight asking, at this moment, what would make me smile?
i was on the phone with a dear friend (TY R) at the time i read my mail.
i immediately began a list:
babies
my friends
a wonderfully cold flute of champagne
hugs, abundantly
diving in tropical waters
my friends
won't you, my readers, add to my list of things that , at this moment, make you smile?
thank you!
HB
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
There are Cowards Here
|
Posted:May 8, 2006 8:39 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2006 2:23 am
1901 Views
|
How much easier it is to hide behind lies and half-truths than to be honest and live with integrity!
I have never met more cowardly people than I have on this site. Whether it be a manufactured profile, multiple (secret) aliases, standing someone up and not calling, or pure, rank outright lying simply because it makes one feel powerful over another human...like in a game of 'oneupmanship"...
dishonesty is an outward sign of cowardice.
deceit looks to be more clever than its cousin, dishonesty...but it is, in its sly way, the identifying feature of pure chicken-shit.
I have nothing but scorn for liars, cheaters, cowards...all.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
My List
|
Posted:May 6, 2006 10:37 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2006 10:16 pm
1836 Views
|
He must be:
1. Physically, emotionally, psychically and mentally available.
2. Honest
3. Intelligent, with a wit that makes me laugh.
4. Organically 'good'; kind
5. Financially independent enough to convey an attitude of abundance, generosity.
6. Adventuresome, playful, spontaneous
7. Bold in his approach to life, and to me.
8. yummy, in a hard-to-define way (this is unqualifiable, but involves scent, taste)
9. and lastly: he must adore me, accept me, love me despite my flaws.
It may be that no one person can meet all these attributes and I am prepared for this. A 'salon' full of men might be the best solution. Or, perhaps, full of people of all genders and persuasions.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
The sun also rises
|
Posted:May 2, 2006 7:22 am
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2006 5:37 pm
1702 Views
|
on a new day. Today would have been my dad's 77th birthday. He had a personality as big as anyone I have ever known, and his passing left a huge hole in my mother's life.
I will call and comfort her today; help frame her day so she doesn't spend too much time alone. She was like his right rib, married 53 years, and taking care of him for much of it. She, they both were of the generation where the woman served her man in al l capacities.
She is a semi-retired college professor but is still learning how to be an independent woman moving unencumbered through her world. It is both terrifying and exhilarating at once.
I will remember Dad today and blow him a kiss as I get on my scooter to ride to work. He would have loved that bike.
Big sigh...smiling...I'm off to work. Happy Sun day everyone!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
One Step Back
|
Posted:May 1, 2006 10:19 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2006 6:50 am
1674 Views
|
My eyes are sore and red tonight from too many shed tears. They gather so easily, welling up, spilling over, today. I feel with great sorrow all of my losses tonight; I spent the hour with my therapist crying, wetting already wet tissue as she sat across from me, a sympathetic look on her face.
So allow me to wallow; grief is like this, sneaking up and hitting you sideways just when you think you have moved on. In the last three years, I have lost my ability to take my body for granted, my marriage of nearly seventeen years, various friends, a woman friend and my lover of nearly a year as he moves on to have sexual adventures unencumbered by me. I lost my father in January and my lover soon afterwards. On May 17th I will join a group ride to honor the lives of those we lost while riding bicycles; I lost one of my closest women friends when her tandem was struck from behind leaving Bampf three summers ago.
Mini losses and major losses. Life is about losing and the subsequent letting go. About transitions to new lives and friends and adventures. But sometimes it is ok to feel that gut wrenching, knuckle biting pain.
I could use a rock a bye to sleep tonight.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Getting to Happy
|
Posted:Apr 30, 2006 8:24 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2006 4:31 pm
1830 Views
|
I heard some interesting feedback from a new friend last night. He said, 'you are so unhappy; I feel it roll off you in waves. There is no reason for you to be so unhappy, you are beautiful, intelligent and there is no reason you cannot have everything you want."
"You undervalue yourself as a woman; you have no idea how you rank in the overall world of women in terms of quality." Furthermore, he added, "you are like undervalued stock, it shows in your demeanor and the way you hold yourself. If you are not careful, you may be acquired in a hostile takeover."
Wow... his words hit me like a huge thumping whomping pillow. I listened to his feedback with interest and I'm still considering the feedback, weighing its truth and value.
I know I am in a transition period as I take stock and look around with clear eyes and head, at least as clear as I can be. It still feels as though I am moving up a sanddune, slipping down as I head up that hill.
I will get to happiness in my own way and time.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
And so it goes
|
Posted:Apr 27, 2006 9:42 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2006 10:40 am
1592 Views
|
I now have two pieces of work published on Literotica, but am waiting to hear on three more submissions.
I feel capable and strong these days. I can do this thing called living. I can even make some long-needed changes. I know I can find a way to market some of my 'alternative' skills ...I just have to find enough connections to find my way.
My heart is good, strong and true. People (most of them!) like to spend time with me. My lovers find me yummy and I never have to be alone unless I choose to be, which is often, these days. I am creating a list of attributes I need in a relationship and I promise every last one of you that I will find him and it will be good.
It may take a helluva lotta work, but it will be good. I am deserving of it....I have been due some rainfall on my desert of life for some time, and...
Isn't that a rain cloud over there? And beyond it...the most loveliest rainbow, gorgeous, completely full spectrum, ever seen.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
saying goodbye
|
Posted:Apr 26, 2006 5:28 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2006 7:52 pm
1475 Views
|
I have momentary fleeting thoughts, like mental vignettes of memories in past lives. Now, a reminder of his putting together my 's bed; there the memory of a comment thrown out in hasty rage.
Oh he did so much good for the life I was compelled to lead, and with an unshakeable sense of dread. I again see the writing etched in acid on the walls of my heart. He has been gone nearly a week with questions unasked and unanswered. It is like a little death, as incapable he is in answering, and as difficult I find it to ask them.
I fell in love in vignette-framed moments; his simple asking me to help in his search for freedom and integrity; driving his car with the top down singing old Frank Sinatra tunes, watching his utter focus while lining up a photographic shot; winning at blackjack in the warmth of his pride. Driving through the redwoods to find the bend in the road, laughing at the bear-handled mugs I now drink my coffee from.
And so I say good-bye in vignettes too. The nights we danced with disregard for the spectacle; the rope swing whooping like in the summer; the incredible focus on each other's pleasure; the sleepy friday breakfast meetings.
The anger and jealousy and pain and accusations and sorrow at not being able to have what we wanted. Those moments hit me like an ache and I grieve over what I could not ever have.
The vignettes have twisted their way into my mind and give my soul the depth it was seeking. I live a juicy, vibrant life due in part to his influence. This vibrancy I will carry with me forever.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Love
|
Posted:Apr 26, 2006 12:17 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2006 7:47 am
1521 Views
|
I love him, without reason. It is a secretive, guilty love, a love that excuses its need to protect and hide.
But love in all its elemental purity, in all of its unfathomable beauty needs never to show shame. Love need never have reason to exist; by its very nature is existentialist. In other words, love is to be loved, and to love.
I love her without recourse. I love them without measure, with my body's atoms resonant in that love.
In this love, I pray tonight, let this heart find its way.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
A rumpled bed
|
Posted:Apr 25, 2006 8:09 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 2:5 am
1484 Views
|
in white, the folds and creases casting shadows in the morning sun streaming in my window. My male canary named Johnny Fellatio is singing as though it is what he was put on this earth to do.
My love, patiently banked, is waiting this morning. For what, or whom, I am not sure. I wonder where I am headed, for I've begun to make lists and this is always a good harbinger of change.
The qualities I know I possess will see me through. I have hope that my love and my courageous heart will find its true path. It may take awhile but someday when I look back i will see it was worth the price I paid.
I smooth my bed and head off for work. May it be a good one, full of richness and impact.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
A New Look
|
Posted:Apr 23, 2006 10:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2006 5:35 pm
1703 Views
|
I have many many photos, I confess, in my portfolio. I have been fortunate to discover erotic modeling as a form of self expression.
While growing up, I was taught that vanity was a sin, and I was never the prettiest one of my friends even in high school. My best friend was a long haired, rather ditzy but sweetheart of a girl with very large breasts and thin hips. Understandably she got a lot of attention, much more than I. I was a brainy, college bound jock who could fit in with most any group of people, and I made a point to make as many friends as I could. I had four brothers, and to watch them make a phone call to ask a girl out was agonizing. Because of this, I decided to say yes to any boy who had the courage to make that call to me, so I dated quite a bit.
I also knew from my brothers how much that 'good night' kiss at the door meant to them, so I decided that if I went out with a boy he would get that kiss at the door without having to ask for it. In all my years of high school, I said 'no' to only one boy who asked me out...because as homely as he was, I knew I wouldn't be able to kiss him. I was considered 'cute' but hardly beautiful, nor hot (not until much later did I learn that I was hot, just did not know it.)
Now, this does not mean I was 'easy'...a kiss is not sex. I actually waited until I was nearly 20 before losing my virginity to my first true love.
At my twenty year class reunion several classmates found me to tell me how much they liked the girl I was then.
I find myself at nearly 49 actually feeling beautiful. I can walk through an airport or a bar now and catch men looking. This is a new phenomenon for me; in my marriage I felt invisible, never particularly thinking of my looks . If I dressed up in lingerie and a stunning little black dress, I got no more positive feedback or attention than I would in bike shorts and a tshirt. That is to say, zero feedback. My ex just was not the effusive type, in fact he would more often tease me about my ass than compliment me.
So when I get so much feedback about my beauty, when I see my image for sale in galleries, when someone admires me openly, it all still feels surreal. Because vanity was not a virtue, my new-found sense of self and confidence in my physical appearance is tinged with a bit of cautious guilt.
My physical beauty is only part of me. My mind, which I have relied on constantly over the years, is my best and favorite element that makes up me.
I have changed my profile a bit and wonder if I will get more, or less mail. I did want my friends who have never met me to see my face; to know my face is to know much more of me.
What do you think my Readers?
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (heavenly_body39) use [blog heavenly_body39] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
1
|
2
|
3
|
41
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
231
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
