Ramblings of the depraved.....
 
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 6:59 am
378254 Views
1 comment , 92 Pending
Tales from the Plump Side
Posted:Dec 2, 2021 1:39 am
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2021 2:48 am
102 Views

The Spawn's birthday package had finally arrived in the mail yesterday.

With her Ulta gift card she had purchased mascara, lip liner, lash serum, and a lip plumping lip gloss.

"Hey Chitlin, your Ulta stuff came today."

"Eeeek! The one day I don't check the mail!!"

She hopped off her bed and snatched the Ulta bubble bag mailer out of my hand. Running into the kitchen, she grabbed the kitchen scissors and annihilated the bag.

"What did you order that your are *that* excited to get??"

Chuckling from the living room, I watching the scene unfold before my very eyes.

"Lip plumper!!"

From inside the bag a clear gloss appeared and on her lips it went.

"Well, you feel 'plumped'?"

"Just because i cursed with thin lips it doesn't mean I have to HAVE thin lips."

"What do you mean 'cursed' with thin lips?? You have my lips."

"Exactly. Need I say more?"

"O Let me try that stuff."

She standing in the bathroom staring at her reflection in the mirror, probably waiting for that magical moment when her lips 'plumped'. Handing the gloss over, I grabbed it out of her hand and applied it to my lips as well.

"I'm feeling something....."

Leaning closer to the mirror, she still scrutinizing to see what she feeling.

"Holy shit! My lips are on fire!! I'm feeling something, alright. I'm feeling like I might need to rip my lips off my face."

"Oh My God Mom.... You're so dramatic."

With an exasperated groan, she rolled her eyes at me as I furiously wiped the gloss away. Not going to lie, there some plumping.... But only because my lips were red and enflamed.

"We can continue the conversation when I can start forming words with my lips again."

With one last frustrated eye roll, she closed the bathroom door with her foot.

"You're not funny Mom!"

"Love you too, Chitlin!!"

I have to say, if it's a choice between thin lips and torture gloss, I'll choose the thin lips....

Happy Thursday!
1 comment
When your points total is 666....
Posted:Nov 30, 2021 3:59 pm
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2021 1:42 am
961 Views

I somehow earned some extra points.

Considering the way my day is going, I'm feeling kind of concerned....

That's not exactly a you want be sitting at.

666

It doesn't help that the kitty is staring at me right now like I might be the anti-Christ.

Just the head, sticking out from beneath a curtain, eyes wide, looking like she's about ready pounce at me.

Egads!

I started my day by dribbling coffee down the front of my sweater.

Not once, but twice!!

The first time I did I had thought the lid was loose so I tightened down and wiped off. Certain I had fixed the problem and removed any future coffee mishaps...

I took another sip.

Again! Coffee down the sweater!

This time I got pissed off and threw the coffee out!

WTF?!?

The rest of my day went downhill from .

's days like today that I feel lonely when I get home.

I walk into my dark house and flip on the lights. The Spawn, as usual, tucked away in her room behind her closed bedroom door. I miss the days when she was excited to see me and tell me all about her day.

I miss the days when I felt important.

Today I just feel....

Used up.

So here I am, like I often find myself, pouring my thoughts and feelings into words for others to read....

Because in my real life, is nobody listen.

Just a closed bedroom door and a cat that thinks I'm Satan.

I think I'll just... Chalk up a Tuesday.
29 Comments
Cherry Balsamic Pork Chops
Posted:Nov 28, 2021 4:05 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2021 3:18 pm
1705 Views
It's what's for dinner!

Being the scary untalented cook that I am....

I have to say, stumbling upon Hello Fresh has been an amazing turn of events. A coworker had told me that he and his wife were giving it a try and I thought to myself...

Self! This sound like EXACTLY what you need!

Step by step recipe cards.... All the ingredients.... Just the perfect amount of food for 2 people!



I've had a hard time cooking for just the Spawn and I. Either she doesn't like what I'm cooking or I cook way too much and it sits in the fridge until I have to throw it out.

Such a waste....

And the grocery shopping.

I hate grocery shopping.

It's only been my first week but, so far, I'm impressed.

The Spawn and I are cooking dinner together now! And eating together in the DINING ROOM!

Plus, I'm eating foods like this...



Here's proof that the impossible can indeed, be... Possible!

Happy Sunday!

Oh, and... Let's all just kind of sweep that cutting board incident under the carpet. Nothing to see here....

Especially not that hot pad I accidentally caught on fire too.
33 Comments
A New Thanksgiving
Posted:Nov 26, 2021 4:57 am
Last Updated:Nov 29, 2021 2:07 am
2648 Views

This was the first Thanksgiving..... the first MAJOR holiday for that matter, without the Mighty Marine.

There will be more....

This one was the hardest, thought.

My Oldest had called up around 2pm to ask if I could come get him from work. His employee had experienced car problems at the job site and that was their only vehicle.

Those of us who live paycheck to paycheck know that working holidays means a nice big check.

Holiday pay.... Time and a half....

Even with a family they are more than happy to work a half day if it means extra for Christmas.

So when the employee couldn't get his car started my had offered to let him take the company truck. He'll likely be using the truck until the vehicle gets fixed.

"Ma, can you come to the pit? One of the machines broke and [employee] and I had to get it going again for tomorrow. His truck took a shit and I gave him my truck."

I smiled.

This pretends to be rough and tough, but he hides a tender heart.

At 5pm we sat down to dinner and FaceTimed with the Mighty Marine.

Gone but not gone....

It was the first time my oldest had gotten the opportunity to actually FaceTime with his brother so I sat back and let them chat, and chat they did.

At 7:30 my oldest had said to his brother he had to go, the roads were getting bad and he was riding with me. He handed the phone over to the Spawn and he slipped into my utility room and started to tear up.

We all just miss our marine so very much.

That's the thing about family....

Each member has their own unique niche, their own spot that they fill. When that spot is empty, it leaves a void and we are all left with a piece missing from our soul.

Right now...

Right now it's still fresh. It's hard to experience big moments without the Mighty Marine. We look at his empty spot at the table and remember those times when he and his brother would argue over who was going to eat the rest of the cooked carrots because they both wanted them.

And we feel that void.

Technology is an amazing thing though.

With each holiday that passes.... With each big moment we encounter.... It gets just a little bit better.

What am I truly thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday?

I am truly thankful to have the most amazing family, my . My Oldest who hides a heart of gold. My Middle who is courageous and brave. My Spawn who is strong and independent.

To my readers, I hope you've found your reasons to be thankful for as well.

Happy Friday!
18 Comments
On Today's episode of 'Cooking with Secret_Lade'....
Posted:Nov 23, 2021 5:13 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2021 5:05 pm
3735 Views
Secret_lade and the Spawn are cooking in the kitchen.

"Mom!! You're on fire!!"

I had been chopping up green onions to be cooked with the ground pork and now held the cutting board above the pan of ground pork.

"What are you talking about?"

"Aaah! You're on fire!"

Glancing down, the rope on the handle of the cutting board was indeed on fire.

"Holy shit!"

Out of instinct, I immediately started blowing on the damn thing trying to blow it out.

"You're not going to blow it out Mom! Put it in the sink!!"

"Oh My God!"

Turning on the faucet, I held the rope the stream and let the fire go .

"Who does that?!? Who puts something like a flammable rope on a cooking tool???"

"Bed Bath and Beyond, that's who."

We both burst laughing, a tiny sizzle sound was now coming from the rope.

Nothing screams family bonding moment quite like green onions and kitchen fires!


30 Comments
A Self-Checkout Fantasy
Posted:Nov 22, 2021 11:37 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2021 5:19 pm
4025 Views

Wouldn't it be nice to just walk up to a self-checkout, scan your items without complication, chuck them into a bag, and for them in under five minutes?!?

Now.... That's LIVING!

In my world, waiting in line at the self-checkouts turns into a reunion of sorts every time.

Never fails.

Take for instance, yesterday....

"Hey, fancy meeting you here."

I glance up to see a coworker who I never talk to and rarely ever see. Yet, here he is, sidling up to to chat at the self-checkout.

And there I am, standing there, holding a box of tampons, a box of pads, a makeup compact, and a Slim Jim.

Fantastic.

"Hi. Had to pick up a few things after work."

Dear God.... Please let this guy just go away.

Nope!

Glancing down at all the stuff in my arms, I could see his eyes moving back and forth as he started to read the words on the box of pads in my left arm.

Really?!?

"Oh, I'm up. It was good talking to you! I'll see you at work."

Lies!!!

I was already speeding up to the finally open self-checkout, I couldn't be more uncomfortable if I'd shown up for school naked and without my homework.

I can't believe he read the box....

Happy Tuesday!!
35 Comments
Mother - Spawn Bonding Moments
Posted:Nov 21, 2021 2:30 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2021 1:15 am
4941 Views

"Let me do your eyelashes!" she says.

"I'll make them perfect!" she says.

"Trust me!"

Yah.... Never trust the word of a person says 'trust me'.

Here I sit, thirty minutes later, with my eyelids glued open and liquid eyeliner everywhere but on my eyelid.

Eyelashes??

Yep, they're dangling somewhere in between the crease of my eye and the lash line.

"Oh my God, Mom, I can't even at you!"

Peels of laughter coming from the kitchen, the Spawn is dancing her way past me go into the utility room.

"What's that?? Having a tough time eyeballing your own handiwork??"

I'm laughing now, too. I tried to blink...

The fake lash on my right eye is now connected to my eyebrow as well.

Happy Sunday!
35 Comments
Today's the day!
Posted:Nov 20, 2021 5:39 am
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2021 3:56 pm
5345 Views

Happy Birthday Mighty Marine!!

May 19 be your best year yet....

Y'all know it was the Spawn's birthday yesterday, she's such a hard girl to shop for! Somehow I managed to pull it all off, though, even getting a hand-clenched squeal of glee out of her on not one but TWO moments.

Moment One: Fake lashes and nude palette make up kit in birthday bag.

Moment Two: Ulta card in birthday card.

We'd gone out for her birthday meal of choice, Taco Bell, and had sit down to eat when the Mighty Marine called on Facetime to wish his sister a happy birthday.

There just really isn't anything quite like having a hard shell taco fall apart in your hands when you take the first bite while talking to someone on Facetime. Even better, watching it all happen in the moment on the tiny little window in the corner of the screen.

Priceless!

"Ma, you still got a tomato by your neck."

Not the most hilarious of comments, but I think we all laughed for a good ten minutes when he'd said this. I flicked it off only to have someone immediately walk past me and watch it land on their arm.

The Spawn whispered 'oh my God mom' into my ear and we laughed even harder.

I had been so worried about the Mighty Marine not being present in this years birthday festivities.... Yet there he was, witnessing it all.

Gone but not gone.

And now his birthday is today!

The Mighty Marine is a mighty 19!!

He will be Facetiming again, later today, so we can share a moment on his birthday as well. I think this time we'll pull out the party hats and noise makers....

Happy Birthday to my Mighty Marine!
20 Comments
How was my day?
Posted:Nov 18, 2021 4:11 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2021 11:43 pm
6522 Views

Well, let me tell you!

I was two hours and three minutes into my shift today when one of the leaders turned to me, in the 9 o'clock meeting, to tell me my shirt was inside out.

Yah, that felt awesome.

You know what the worst part of this whole scenario was?

I was wearing a button down shirt.

BUTTON DOWN!

How I managed to pull that off without noticing a thing is a complete fucking mystery to me.

Apparently I was Houdini in a former life...

I know that my mind has been preoccupied all this week, with the Spawn's birthday tomorrow and my Mighty Marine's birthday on Saturday.... But, really?!?

Egads

I can't wait to see what fresh horror I walk myself into tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Happy Thursday!
38 Comments
And what to my wandering eyes did appear?
Posted:Nov 17, 2021 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2021 9:16 pm
6685 Views

A skunk and a deer, trotting side by side down the road, on my way work this morning.

Just when I thought I'd seen all....

I discover, I not!

I'd never actually seen a skunk running before this morning, was a sight see. Are they always that awkward and clumsy looking trudging along down the road?

And, what's up with that deer?!?

I could smell that skunk from inside my car cruising past them doing 45 mph.

I be honest.... I still find this country life pretty amazing.

the reader told me to watch out for skunks....

You were right! They are out here!

Happy Wednesday!
31 Comments
Let's play a little game!
Posted:Nov 15, 2021 11:59 pm
Last Updated:Nov 19, 2021 2:15 am
7634 Views

We'll call it....

Is this comment 'Work Appropriate'?

We're doing a little holiday raffle at the store. Employees fill out a card with their name, department, and favorite Thanksgiving tradition / food / activity to give to me for entry.

Easy peasy.... Right???

As I was posting the flyers, I was also letting the employees know as I passed them throughout the store.

People get excited when you're excited, even if it's for something simple like a Thanksgiving Raffle where you might win a turkey or pumpkin pie.

Leave it to the Brand New Guy who was in my orientation last week to make it awkward and uncomfortable.

"Whatcha posting?"

"We're doing a Thanksgiving Raffle! To enter, you just turn in your name, department, and favorite Thanksgiving holiday tradition, food, or activity for a raffle ticket!"

"What if my favorite Thanksgiving activity is sex? Can I turn that in?"

Really?!?

By now he was standing right next to me reading off the posting in my hand. I think I've found this week's 'Douche Bag of the Week'....

"No, no you may not."

I'd turned on my heel and was making my quick escape when he called out behind me...

"But that's my favorite Thanksgiving Day activity."

"Not if you want to keep working here if your name is drawn and [Boss #2] reads your entry aloud."

Yah, I walked away from that conversation feeling sketched out and sexually harassed. Not going to lie, definitely don't like the Brand New Guy now.

Who does something like that on their third day of employment??

This week's Douche Bag of the Week, that's who!

Ugh...

Happy Tuesday!
37 Comments
You know it's been a rough weekend when....
Posted:Nov 14, 2021 7:28 am
Last Updated:Nov 15, 2021 11:22 pm
8610 Views

The sight of your Sunday morning face startles you when you look in the mirror.

Holy shit!

I'd been feeling half-assed sick since I got my COVID booster and Flu shot last Monday, add that sleepless nights and depression, and you get sick...

Very sick!

I was on my way home from work on Friday and I could think of was getting home, crawling into bed, and falling asleep.

Which is exactly what I did.

I didn't wake until sometime around Midnight when the furnace had kicked off and the heat ducts under the house started crashing and banging around like there was a caged animal under there.

I've gotten used this sound, it's become part of the norm for me.

Furnace kicks off, bangs from the duct work, and is well until the next time it kicks in.

The Tilly Cat had been napping my feet at the end of the bed when she heard stir. Springing life, she did her usual half-meow and sauntered my head and licked my forehead a little.

I wound sleeping off and most of the day Saturday, as well.

So today when I was finally feeling like a normal human being again, I decided to get , make some coffee, and have a normal day.

That first sight of me though....

It was the stuff of nightmares I tell you.

Greasy hair standing end, shirt gross and oddly discolored where I'd probably sweated at some point while I was sleeping, sweatpants twisted around....

I had look away and shield my eyes from the sight of myself it was so bad.

" My God!"

It's moments like those when I'm thankful I live alone!

Happy Sunday!
33 Comments

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