joke Many nonliving things have a gender
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Posted:Oct 3, 2006 10:34 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 11:48 am
929 Views
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Many nonliving things have a gender
You may not know this but many nonliving things
have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
 An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXThe Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
1 DANGEROUS:
2 SAFER:
3 SAFEST:
4 ULTRA SAFE:
1 What's for dinner?
2 Can I help you with dinner?
3 Where would you like to go for dinner?
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 Are you wearing that?
2 Wow, you sure look good in brown!
3 WOW! Look at you!
4 Here, have some chocolate
1 What are you so worked up about?
2 Could we be overreacting?
3 Here's my paycheck.
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 Should you be eating that?
2 You know, there are a lot of apples left.
3 Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 What did you DO all day?
2 I hope you didn't over-do it today.
3 I've always loved you in that robe!
4 Here, have some more chocolate.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity like my applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while at tempting to run my favorite applications! I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks, A Troubled User
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Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony- Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. It may even crash your system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
X67861
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Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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joke.A husband and wife
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Posted:Sep 29, 2006 5:29 am
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2006 8:38 pm
921 Views
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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the $100. She went back and informed the at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the . He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"
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A young teenaged girl was a and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I’ll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you’re so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!"
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
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Two parents take their on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
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A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago."
The husband replies, "She choked."
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Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."
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A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
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A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
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Short Redneck Jokes
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Posted:Sep 25, 2006 5:14 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 11:48 am
1042 Views
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Short Redneck Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who
passed away and left his entire estate in
trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
Q: What's the difference between a good ol'
boy and a redneck?
A: The good ol' boy raises livestock. The
redneck gets emotionally involved.
Q: What's the Rednecks most popular pick
up line?
A: Nice tooth!
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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called
911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she
would send someone out right away. "Where
do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus
Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for
me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba
said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak
Street and you pick her up there?"
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A girl from the South and a girl from the
North were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from the South, being friendly and
all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The
Northern girl said, "From a place where they
know better than to use a preposition at the
end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few
moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll
from, bitch?"
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Q: How do you know when your staying in a
Redneck hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've
gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the
front desk says "go ahead."
Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There is tobacco spit stains on both sides
of his pickup truck.
Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A: "Honest your Honor, I was just helping
the sheep over the fence."
Q: What do rednecks call "Hee Haw"?
A: A documentary.
Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a
'possum?
A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch for
cars.
Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the
half shell.
Research had been going on for many years
as to the invention of the toothbrush.
Researchers knew the purpose of the device,
but wanted to know and acknowledge the
originating location. After a very long and
exasperating study the researchers came to
their conclusion as to the origin of the
toothbrush. It was decided that the brush
was invented by a redneck. Intrigued with
the discovery, the researchers were asked by
the media how they came to the conclusion.
They all agree it was a simple deduction, "If
it was invented by anyone else, it would
have been called a teethbrush."
Short Redneck Jokes 2
A young ventriloquist is touring the South
and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck
jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience
stands up and says "I've heard just about
enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we
ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to
apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You
stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the
smart ass little fella on your knee!"
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF
Your sleepin' with the cows and you smell
like one!!!!!!
A sign on the street says no crackin' and that
reminds you to pull up your pants!!
Your call your sister mom
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve~year~old
smoke at the dinner table in front of her
.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow
pies.
You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws:
You think a woman who is "out of your
league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most
Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever die right after
saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named
'Darryl.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia
leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once mined by a
ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a
date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
You think the last words to The Star
Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your
engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your
house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your
wedding pictures.
The blue book value of your truck goes up
and down, depending on how much gas it
has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out
of the 'fridge.
One of your was born on a pool table.
Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to
school because you are both in the same
grade.
You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom
fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current
spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means
getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
If you can smash a beer can on your
imaginary friend's forehead, and it works.
If you think the nutcracker is some thing you
did off the high dive!
If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
If you have ever spelled some thing wrong
you wrote out in Christmas lights.
If you go up a water tower with a can of
paint to protect your sister.
If you carry a shotgun in the back seat of
your truck!
Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt
pretty bad and the morgue needed someone
to identify the body. So his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back
the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty
bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled
him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather
strange. Then he brought Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer took a look at him
and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over and
Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", said the
mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two
assholes. Every time we went to town, folks
would say, "Here comes Bubba with them
two assholes..."
You might be a Redneck If-
Your wife can't fix you dinner because she
has cheerleading practice.
You consider safe sex as having a padded
truck bed.
You think safe sex is having a pad in the
head board of your bed.
You take your for a walk and you both
use the tree at the corner
You ever get hot flashes at cattle auctions
You have ever financed a tattoo
Slamming the door on your truck creates an
instant sunroof.
You paint your car with house paint
Steeling road signs is a family outing.
Your side by side refrigerator consist of two
igloo coolers
Some offers you a silver plate and you pull
off you belt buckle and say "no thanks, I've
already got one"
You've ever yelled out the window "!!
STOP PLAYIN' ON THAT SHEET METAL!'
Your 's first pet was a chicken
You think God looks like Hank Williams, Jr.
You have more guns than teeth
Your baby's first words were "Attention,
KMart shoppers"
Your front porch collapses and kills more
than three dogs
You use your belt buckle as identification
Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
Your family tree doesn't fork
You consider dating second cousins 'playing
the field'
You've ever used your fishing license as a
form of identification
You missed your graduation because your
were sick
You refer to fifth grade as "My senior year"
Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife
hits the floor
The highlight of your family reunion was
your sister's nude dancing debut
You go to your sister's wedding so you can
kiss the bride
Your family reunion was ruined 'cause your
daddy burnt the Spam
You go fishing with a generator and a piece
of copper wire
Fancy eating out (for you) involves drivin' to
the next window
After having their 11th , an Alabama
couple decided that was enough(they could
not afford a larger double wide). So, the
husband went to his doctor (who also
treated mules) and told him that he and his
wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
.
The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix
the problem. The doctor instructed him to go
home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are
legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not
be the smartest man, but I don't see how
putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a
second opinion. The Georgia physician was
just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they
were from Alabama. This doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his
ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians
couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a
cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to
count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his
legs and resumed counting on his other
hand.
Sex Education
A teenage girl comes home from school and
asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just
told me? Babies come out of the same place
where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that
the subject had finally come up and she
wouldn't have to explain it to her .
"But then when I have a baby," the
pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
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joke.Three guys went to a night club
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Posted:Sep 23, 2006 5:19 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2006 11:47 am
932 Views
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Three guys went to a night club one night.
The first guy went in and a dancer put a doghnut on his dick and ate it off. He went back outside really happy.
The next guy went in and sure enough the dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off and he went outside really happy.
The third guy went in and came out really sad. The other two guys asked him what happened and he replied, "They put a cheerio on mine!"
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Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"?
They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!
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Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day
Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
See if they could finally do splits.
See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
Cross their legs without rearranging.
Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more Without sleeping first.
Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!
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What did the Banana say to the Vibrator?
I dont know why your shaking, she's going to eat me.
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A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'
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Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... They have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
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Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."
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A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone.
Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the . So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.
The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"
************************************************This man was walking through the park one day when he couldn't help but notice a woman crying.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!" she sobbed.
He didn't know who Shultz was so he just continued on. Then he came upon another woman.
"Shultz is dead!," she too sobbed. He just passed by.
Then another. And another. And another! Then he came upon a site which made him stop. What he saw was hundreds of women crowded around a street car, which had apparently been involved in an accident, who were all crying "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!".
He went up to it and there he saw the street car had ran into a man and literally torn him to pieces. All that was left of him that you could see was his arms, legs and his penis.
Well he was just startled by all this so he decided to go home. When he got home, he said to his wife: "Hey Honey, you know I just saw the darndest thing. Out on Mill Street a street car had ran into a man and cut off his penis and I swear it had to be a foot and a half long!".
"Oh no! Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!" she sobbed.
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jokes for sept 20th
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Posted:Sep 20, 2006 7:10 pm
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2006 6:47 pm
854 Views
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One day an at home wife is alone and the
doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store,
but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence
the friend says "You know Sara, you have
the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd
give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures,
what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens
her robe and shows one to him for a few
seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws
a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there
a while longer and guy then says "That was
so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll
give you another 100 dollars if I could just
see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a
bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So
she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice
long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from
the store. The wife goes up to him, "You
know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says,
"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes
me?"
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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to
explain to her class the definition of the
word "definitely" to them. To make sure the
students have a good understanding of the
word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raised his hand and said
"The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said,
"Well, that isn't entirely correct, because
sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely
green." The teacher again replies "If grass
doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so
that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the
teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher
looked at him and said "No...But that isn't
really a question you want to ask in class
discussion." So the student replies, "Then I
definitely shit my pants."
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Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off
dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and
the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt
they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty
ones went for a thousand dollars, and the
little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like
mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the
auction."
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The queen of England was visiting one of
Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour
of the floors she passed a room where a
male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's
disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm
sorry your ladyship, this man has a very
serious condition where the testicles rapidly
fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five
times a day, they would explode and he
would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where
a young nurse was giving a patient a blow
job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's
happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better
health plan."
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking
leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that
worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little
hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes
back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays
the worm until it is straight and stiff as a
board. The boy then proceeds to put the
worm back into t
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joke :A dog, a cat, and a penis
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Posted:Sep 18, 2006 9:20 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 11:48 am
910 Views
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
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John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three . I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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joke Three Italian nuns die
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Posted:Sep 16, 2006 9:24 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2006 7:29 am
1032 Views
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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."
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A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."
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She married and had 13 . Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more . Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more . Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
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One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.
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There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
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A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Dirty Jokes Part XXXVI
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
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A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.
Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".
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A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"
The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"
"She's standing here next to me."
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"
The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
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An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
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A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'
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One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 . They were acting up. Bad little . They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"
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The difference between having Guts and having Balls...
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
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blond joke green side up
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Posted:Sep 15, 2006 9:15 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 11:48 am
1024 Views
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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The
contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it,
and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the
painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote
this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said
nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm
rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side
up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes
laying sod across the street."
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A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.
She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while.
Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.
Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.
The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them
about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The
lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all
his friends take their turns.
The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a
Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.
The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.
The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"
She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"
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A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.
The steward who checks tickets says, "I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class."
"I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde." Well I'll get the pilot.
The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says," What did you say?"
The pilot simply says," I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!"
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A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
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One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"
His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".
The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...
"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"
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A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.
She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"
She says: "Pepper."
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Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother's house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat...
she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.
One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says "Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties."
Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says "No he won't, see I have a gun to protect myself." She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother's house.
Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, "What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he's going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties."
Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, "No he won't I have a big gun in my basket ...." She pulls out the gun "See, nothing can harm me." Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother's house.
Little red finally makes it to grandmother's house...and knocks on the door...no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, "Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!"
The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, "No you're not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!"
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
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A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.
One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.
The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."
The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"
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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
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Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
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Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
One of my 's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
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While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days. "Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
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A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her . "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
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After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my ?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And ?" asked the father. "How will you support ?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the ."
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On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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The was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," Banta explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
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Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.
Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. What's a man's idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.
Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.
Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.
Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot and a six pack.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
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8 things you'll never hear a man say...
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
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joke TEN HUSBANDS
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Posted:Sep 14, 2006 9:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2006 1:26 pm
980 Views
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TEN HUSBANDS
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
pick up line that rarely work
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs....what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
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This fella goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said "put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put a different cream on. The man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"
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There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's. The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"I have no dick!"
So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!"
"What's wrong?" the doctor asks.
"I have no dick!"
The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.
A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!"
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out.
The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you!"
"Why?" the doctor asks.
"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out.
The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!"
"Why?"
"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"
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Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.
The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.
The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.
When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.
The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".
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A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"
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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
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One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"
"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to h
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Joke Title: Redneck in college
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Posted:Sep 13, 2006 9:11 pm
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2006 9:14 am
1118 Views
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Joke #4081. Title: Redneck in college
A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: "Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?"
"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"
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Joke #1324. Title: What to do if someone starts to choke
A woman starts to choke in a restaurant. It's evident that she has food stuck in her throat, she can't breathe, and she's turning blue. A waiter quickly stands her up, pulls down her slacks, and takes an enormous swipe with his tongue right across her bare bottom. This miraculously clears her throat and her life is saved.
She said to the waiter, "Thank you! How did you know that would be of such immediate help to me?"
And he replied, "That good old heinie-lick maneuver works every time."
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Joke #2067. Title: Signs You're A Work-A-Holic
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
* Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
* You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
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* You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
* Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
* You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.
* You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. (you actually "dine" standing over the kitchen sink or lounging on the sofa.)
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore.
* You lecture the neighborhood selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
* You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
* You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
* You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
* You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
* You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
* You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
* You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
* You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
* You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
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Joke #2454. Title: Blonde in court
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you ?"
"Yes." whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax ?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no." she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."
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Joke #3668. Title: 25 stress reducing thoughts
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies acculumlate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize that it's a "do-it-yourself" thing.
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Joke #2234. Title: Body parts turning blue
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001
From: Bill Stebbins
A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my testicles has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other testicle has turned blue too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course he did not want to hear about it.
"You really want to die?", asked the doctor.
"But ... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
So, the doctor examined the patient, VERY carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think it might be the jeans ..."
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Blind date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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The rodeo position
Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "
"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
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No Wool Downstairs
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a 's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"
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Texas BJ
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.
The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"
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101 Things Not To Say
1.But everybody looks funny naked! 2.You woke me up for that? 3.Did I mention the video camera? 4.Do you smell something burning? 5.(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6.Try breathing through your nose. 7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10.But whipped cream makes me break out. 11.Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. 12.Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 13.Can you please pass me the remote control? 14.Do you accept Visa? 15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17.And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18.So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19.(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21.(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22.Do you get any premium movie channels? 23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24.(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25.Got any penicillin? 26.But I just brushed my teeth... 27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29.I want a baby! 30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31.(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34.I think you have it on backwards. 35.When is this supposed to feel good? 36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37.You're good enough to do this for a living! 38.Is that blood on the headboard? 39.Did I remember to take my pill? 40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41.I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42.That leak better be from the waterbed! 43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47.No, really... I do this part better myself! 48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49.This would be more fun with a few more people. 50.You're almost as good as my ex! 51.Do you know the definition of statutory ? 52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53.You look younger than you feel. 54.Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57.Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60.What tampon? 61.Have you ever considered liposuction? 62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63.What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64.I have a confession... 65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66.Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67.Were you by any chance repressed as a ? 68.Is that a hanging sculpture? 69.You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70.Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72.Did you come yet, dear? 73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75.Does this count as a date? 76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77.Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78.I think biting is romantic -- don't you? 79.You can cook, too right? 80.When would you like to meet my parents? 81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82.Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? 83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85.(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88.Sorry but I don't do toes! 89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. 93.So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95.Is this a sin too? 96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98.Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100.How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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joke Alternative Condoms
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Posted:Sep 11, 2006 9:50 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 11:48 am
1174 Views
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Alternative Condoms
We've all been there. You're hot to trot ... your soon-to-be-mate begs for your attentions ... your reach into that bedside cabinet and what do you find? No, beside the lube. Under the silk hanky. It's the condom box. And it's empty.
Do not fear, dear reader. We, the Van Gogh-Goghs, are here to help. You see, fivesixths of the group were at one time Boy Scouts, which means that we were expert at adapting to unexpected situations and improvising from found materials (although it also meant we didn't have much call for condoms).
Here are our suggestions for ways you can jury-rig a condom from materials you probably already have around the house:
Wax paper and Masking Tape
A kitchen klassic. Like any tube of meat packaged for sale, simply roll it up, fold the end, and tape generously to seal the juices in.
Toilet Paper Tube
One thing you'll always find in a guy's apartment - a used toilet paper roll, almost certainly sitting on the toilet paper holder. Grab the roll, wad some extra kleenex into the end, and have at it!
A Shoe
In an extreme pinch, you can always slip on a tight-fitting althetic shoe. Be sure to avoid all forms of dress shoes, especially women's shoes, as the sharp angles and intense dyes can cause discomfort.
A trash bag
This is the most complete solution. A trash bag - with leg holes cut out, worn as a baggy pair of briefs - will not only provide you with protection for basic coitus, but also provides a sealed barrier against disease for any number of other unmentionable acts! You could do anything you wanted!
And don't forget ...
Mustard, nature's spermicide. The spicier the better - the hotter the mustard, the more sperm gets killed. We recommend Beaver Hot brand mustard, for fun verbal gags that'll keep you giggling all night.
q&a
Q: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
Q. How can you tell that Grandma's sex drive is alive and well?
A. She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!
Joke #1335. Title: Twenty reasons why chocolate is better than sex
1. You can get chocolate any time you want.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate (even in public), without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Joke #4197. Title: Top ten signs your grandparents are still sexually active
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active ...
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
joke #4200. Title: Be on the lookout for the following viruses
Be on the lookout for the following viruses
* CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory
* VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
* LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
* RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data but forgets where it is stored
* MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes
* OPRA WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB
* DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files
* ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted
* TITANIC VIRUS(A strain of Lewinsky virus)
Your whole computer goes down
* DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy
* PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
* JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files
* LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it - through Windows
Joke #4201. Title: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - What the country is talking about
1. {The Prince of Egypt}. There was an early marketing snag. Moses wanted to be called "The Prophet Formerly Known as the Prince of Egypt."
2. {Helen and Anne). They're sick of living in the backstabbing, two faced, lying deceitful world of Hollywood. So they're moving to Washington, DC.
3. {Frank Sinatra}. It turns out the FBI kept a 1300-page file on him. They were this close to finding out about his singing.
4. {Fruitcake Jokes}. They last years longer than Viagra and Monica Lewinsky Jokes.
5. {Jack Frost}. A father dies and comes back as a cuddly snowman. The bad news is, his family moved to Miami.
6. {Kelsey Grammer}. He's worried a home sex video he made will hurt his career. He should splice it into the middle of {Down Periscope}. No one will ever see it.
7. {Shopping}. A study says going to the mall makes men's blood pressure rise. Did they administer the test in front of Victoria's Secret?
8. {Patch Adams}. Robin Williams plays a doctor who believes laughter is the best medicine. So do most HMOs.
9. {You've got Mail}. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan carry on a romance over the Internet. And we get to watch them type?
10. {Julie Andrews}. {The Sound of Music} star vows her throat problems won't keep her from singing again. It never stopped Bob Dylan.
11. {Stepmom}. Julia Roberts can't seem to get along with her new future stepchildren. What's her name, and Hey, You!
12. {Seasonal Affective Disorder}. That's what they called the Depression some people get this time of year. It used to be called, "Being Broke."
13. {A Civil Action}. John Travolta plays a lawyer who spends his life savings to help one town. Then he wakes up.
14. {Star Trek: Insurrection}. The crew of the Starship Enterprise saves the entire known universe. For the umpteemth time. Now it's Miller Time.
15. {The Faculty}. High school students suspect their teachers are from another planet. No humans would work that hard for that kind of money.
Joke #4059. Title: Diary of a blonde newlywed
Dear Diary,
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday:
Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary.
This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
Joke #3616. Title: The blonde, the brunette, and the bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."
Joke #3395. Title: A State Trooper pulls blonde lady driver over
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied: "Ma'am ... that's your air freshener."
Joke #4126. Title: Army roll call
It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
" -- "
"Seeback!"
" -- "
"SEEBACK!!!"
" -- "
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
Joke #4017. Title: Murphy's law at work
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Joke #3718. Title: Responce to 911 call
The dorbell rings and a woman opens the door.
The man who rang speaks (looking really agitated): "We are from 911, we came for the man having a heartattack, because of the burglers who got into his house and his under his eyes ... This is no. 46, right?"
"Yes!"
"This is the Johnson family, right?"
"No way! The Johnsons moved three months ago!"
"Goddammit! I hate these people! They call 911 and then they move! Darn!"
Joke #2552. Title: Sleeping with mother
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the , and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
Joke #1316. Title: The golfer & The leprechaun
An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.
"What are you making?" asks the golfer. "It smells wonderful."
"This is a magic brew," says the leprechaun. "If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and you'll never be defeated."
"Well, then, let me have some," says the golfer.
"Have as much as you like," says the leprechaun. "But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire."
"I can live with that," says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup.
The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months he's the undisputed local champion.
The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor.
"It worked," says the golfer. "It really worked! I'm the best golfer this club has ever seen."
"Yes, but how is your sex life?" asks the leprechaun.
"Pretty good," says the golfer. "I've had sex three or four times in the past six months."
"That doesn't sound so great to me," says the leprechaun.
"Actually," says the golfer, "it's not so bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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joke. Farmer & aliens sex
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Posted:Sep 10, 2006 1:55 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2006 1:59 pm
926 Views
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Farmer & aliens sex
Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!
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Laywer St Peter Heaven Jokes
A lawyer dies & meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Stammering in incredulity at his untimely demise, he grabs St Peter by the robes & insists there''s been some kind of mistake.
"I''m too young to die!" he yells, "I''m only 38 years old!"
St. Peter takes the lawyer''s hands off him, straightens his robe, & consults the Book of Life.
"I think I''ve found the problem," he says, "Judging by the number of hours you''ve billed, we thought you were 82."
**************************************************************
THE BOYFRIEND
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ''H'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he''s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ''Y'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he''s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ''M'' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
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Toilet Paper
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
**********************************************************
A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The one with the biggest boobs.
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Snow blonde plow
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
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female woman science
I
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when saturated with alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation; sure beats a hand.
3. Very effective cleaning agent. Purer specimens cooks as well.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Even then, to be handled with extreme care.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
LIKELY CONSEQUENCES UPON THEIR INADVERTENT MEETING:
For her: Eyes gorged out. For him: Cock cut off.
**************************************************************
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
************************************************************
Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren''t defective, they are for the other side of the house."
**********************************************************
How to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and
asks her about the trunk.
She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she
cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes
cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!"
So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.
"Jesus Christ!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"
"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."
The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he
has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three incidents of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"
"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn.
**************************************************************
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joke Naked underneath
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Posted:Sep 8, 2006 4:20 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 11:48 am
1046 Views
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Naked underneath
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
Baby powder trick
A married man goes out for a pack of cigarettes one night, and, since the store was closed and the next closest place open was a bar, he decides to go in and have a drink. After a couple of beers, a young blonde sits down beside him. The two start talking, and end up leaving together.
After a long night of sex the man looks at the clock and says, "Oh, my God! My wife is gonna kill me! Quick: Do you have any baby powder?"
"Baby powder?" the woman asks. "Yes, here."
The man spreads the powder all over his hands, and drives home.
When he gets home, his wife asks, "Where have you been?"
He proceeds to tell her about the blonde and the long night of sex.
"You expect me to believe that?" she says. "Let me see your hands."
As he puts out his hands, she says, "You liar! You’ve been out with your friends all night bowling again!"
Pig farmer
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
All gone
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"
Sexual Education
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her walks in.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
Friendly old lady
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Falling asleep at church...
One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith.
"God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th ?"
Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
After work
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
An Actor's Last Chance
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Going home
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Fishing trip
In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation.
"Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"
She hung up the phone and her lover asked, "Who was that?"
She replied, "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
New Jersey hunters
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator," My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:" Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:"OK, now what?"
Have you ever cheated?
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, "Betty, have you ever cheated on me?"
Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, three times…"
"Three?!? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? But, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can’t be too upset about that. Well, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?"
"Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?"
"So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
New Priest in Town
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
Can you read this?
Olny srmat poelpe can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
If you can raed tihs psas it on !!
A Hell of a Decision
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
The funeral
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!
She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, "Watch out for that f*cking wall!"
Anything You Want
One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
A Tease Overseas
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
A Coded Message
One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Bush. It read: S370HSSV-0773H.
The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency. His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down.
Just like mom
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom.
My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
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