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Punished!!!
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Posted:Aug 12, 2006 4:59 am
Last Updated:Aug 26, 2008 9:57 am
2267 Views
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Can some one please tell me if i was bad in a previous life??? because it sure fells that way after last night! I’ll say sorry now as this post is a bit long winded but it had to be said to make you see the full shittyness of my night!
I do part time doormans job on a Friday and sat night at my local pub, and every now and then I get called in to work behind the bar. It’s not a bad pub, has some real nice people that go there and has virtually no trouble. The staff are great too, if the doormen don’t take the piss out of you before you go in, the bar staff will and it makes for a better atmosphere.
I was supposed to be doing the door last night but when I got there, I found that the shit had hit the fan! A call to the off duty doorman and I was thrown behind the bar which kind of pissed me off in fairness! The normal bar bitch had done the dirty on the boss and not turned up with out saying where or why she wasn’t there, not even a phone call. On a Friday and Saturday night, it’s just not the thing to be done.
The reason for it pissing me off is 2 reasons, firstly, it’s bloody hot behind that bar and non-stop, the second reason is that I have been emailing a woman from another site and said that I would be on the door last night. Rob the other doorman was there instead so gave him the heads up on the situation.
About 9ish, these two women walk through the doorway and in to the bar, I had been on high alert since getting there to make sure I wasn’t being a prat of my self with any one else. I’m standing there poring drinks thinking, that has to be her but cant be too sure. The reason for not being too sure is that I haven’t seen a pic of her, but as a barsteward, you get to listen in to any convo’s that are going on at the time. Makes for interesting blackmail to the right person in future  . Anyway, I catch this womans name and think that has to be her, she did say that she may not say anything as she wanted to see if I was being my natural self rather then being careful. On a smoke break after, the doorman did confirm to me my thoughts as he said that a woman had asked which one Chris was, so I pointed out the one I thought and he confirmed it.
A few drinks later and with out saying anything, she buggers off, not a big problem. How ever, the big problem was just about to start. When I was looking for a house to rent, the estate agent that helped me was Soooo bloody adorable it’s unreal. Late 20's early 30's, Blonde, 5ft 7”, ice blue eyes, a smile that will melt even the hardest of men, size 8 body, vest top and shorts showing off the brown legs that go right up to her arm pits and every thing in proportion. She is the sort of woman that you wouldn’t kick out of bed for farting that’s for sure. When I got to know her, she had just split from a 3 year long relationship which was doing her head in. Being all pro like, she didn’t want to mix business with pleasure so we had the odd drink out of hours as to say. This woman I would pretty much do anything for she is that nice.
Chatting to her and her mates (who aren’t bad either), who do I spy walking through the door next??? My ex girlfriend… oh shit. This isn’t good, we parted on good terms and are still good mates. She runs up to me leaving her current boyfriend still stood in the doorway, throws her arms around me and gives me a kiss… in front of the estate agent and in front of her boyfriend… I’m dead, I can feel the death stares coming my way from both of them, just not good.
OK, I will admit that I can be a right flirt and tart with the ladies when I want to be, and in fairness, it makes a good night. They think they are getting the attention and it makes my night go quicker, besides, I make a damn site more friends that way too and people keep coming back for more. Who am I to complain if it puts money in the till and we all get a laugh eh! In fairness, if a woman comes on to me, I wouldn’t notice and some one has to point it out!! you would have to slap me with a freight train for me to notice it by myself. Sad I know eh!
Smoke break arrives and I head off outside with cigs in hand, who should be outside…. Estate agent. Don’t get chance to walk outside when I have a set of arms wrapped around my neck. The bastard thing is that she gives me a kiss on the cheek and looks straight in to my eyes. By now, I’m crying out inside, all I want to do is take this woman up the side alley and in to the under ground car park at the back of the building and shag her senseless!! I CANT, I’m on fucking duty… FUCK FUCK and DOUBLE FUCK! I can’t do a damn thing, I can’t even kiss the woman, it’s not allowed to show favouritism to any one in the bar but I think I will change that at some point!
Anyway, smoke break over and go back inside to continue getting the evils from ex’s boyfriend and the “come hither” eyes from her. I have to say that the ex is kinda like the estate agent, blonde, very blue fuck me eyes, gorgeous in every sense. Not sure about estate but Ex can suck start a Harley, fucks like a rabbit and about as loud as a freight train getting to a level crossing during sex. I must point out that if you showed me a pic of a blonde and a pic of a brunette, I will go for the brunette every time, which doesn’t explain how 4 previous girlfriends have been blonde and 2 brunette! The other barmaid that I work with is a great laugh as we get on so well together behind the bar, it’s like a double act. She finally notices what’s going on and decides to take the piss out of me right in front of these two women. Not good, I can feel the cheeks redden and all want is for the ground to open up!
Things aren’t too bad I guess, Cuddles from a woman I want to shag senseless in the car park behind the building, come fuck me eyes from my ex, death stares from her boyfriend and the piss taken out of me by the bar staff. Things can only get better right?? Wrong, oh Christ, one of the girls I work with during the day walks in with her mates. Now I really want to fuck off and die some where.
My work mate and I have a little bit of history from a few years ago before she went to Bristol for Uni. She is so cute it’s unreal. Unlike the other two, this one is a brunette, 5ft fuck all and quite squishy with little puffy titties. Dances like a devil, dirty as hell and kisses like a demon. I get spotted so she runs through with arms wide open and mates in tow. Being accosted would be an understatement I would say. I’m not always behind the bar but have to collect glasses from around the place too. All I can see is this woman running through arms wide open. I’m stood there thinking that I’m gunna have a cuddle… oh no, she jumps and wraps both arms and legs around me and places a smack of a kiss right on the cheek right in front of ex. Oh crap, this really isn’t good. Death stares from both ex and her boyfriend!
It’s now to the stage where I can’t take any more. Thankfully ex finishes her drink and buggers off which leaves estate agent and work mate in bar. No more death stares so beginning to feel a little more at ease. Another good thing is that work mate is sat in the corner chatting to her mates glancing over from time to time as her mates. Estate agent is getting more and more drunk spending more time at the bar which is good as it keeps my mind semi off work mate.
I know that two of these girls swing both ways, in my mind, if they had to say the magic words, all 3 of em and me would be in a bed somewhere having a whale of a time. I can only dream I guess. 
Finally and about time too, last orders is called. I know I will see workmate next week and will have a laugh about the weekend. Estate agent has promised me an email first thing on Monday, and in fairness, I’ll get one too because if I don’t, she’ll get one instead. As these two leave, it’s my duty as a host to see them off… lame excuse but hey, it works for me. More kisses and more cuddles.
Clear up the bar and fill fridges, and have a drink with rest of staff to wind down. By this time, both bosses are now at work to close up. A mass vote has now made the missing barwench unemployed. I won’t be used as a patsy or as an excuse for anything unless I know it’s legit! She had called me during the day to see if I could do her shift. I had thought that she had arranged the night off until I got in to work and found out that she hadn't. You don’t shit on me and you certainly don’t shit on me mate which happens to be both her boss and her land lord… Ooops, she’s now homeless too… serves the wench right!!
Finally get home about 2am, make a cuppa tea and sit to check my mails before bed. Guess what, there’s one from that blonde bit I’ve been emailing. It reads something like…
Hi,
Ok...I like what I saw. Did u guess who I was?....heres a clue...not the slut, alchololic or lesbian. ha ha (the lesbian is my best mate). Yadda yadda
I like what I saw???? What the fuck?? What am I? a piece of meat hanging up in a butchers window?? Oh hell no!! I am a human, even I don’t class women as bits of meat! Guess what, News flash, don’t think anything will be happening there some how. That really pissed me off. Ok, if you want to make sure that some one is what they say they are, don’t say hi and watch from a distance but DO NOT say “I like what I saw” put it another way “you seem really nice and good with others” wouldn’t be so bad would it.
So all in all, a damn good night with some of my favoured women, piss taken out of the punters and a fair bit of hugging with some kisses thrown in. Still doesn’t make the fact that I left work as horny as hell and seriously wanting a shag from one of those 3 but only time will tell I guess. The real bad thing is that I am a good friend with each and every one of my ex’s. They know that if they want to talk about something or want a bit of advise, they can just call and every now and then take up the offer. No judgement is passed on them and no badness is left after. Nothing ever happens though which is a real damn shame.
So tell me, was I really bad in a previous life to deserve a night like that because I really hope not other wise I’m in for one hell of a time working in the bar and the door, or was i just unlucky?!?
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Spelling!!
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Posted:Aug 10, 2006 9:54 am
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2006 12:39 pm
2240 Views
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I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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Calorie Free Banana Bread Anyone??
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Posted:Aug 8, 2006 1:44 pm
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2007 4:26 pm
2191 Views
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Recipe - No Calorie Banana Bread!!!!
INGREDIENTS!!
2 launching eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur trimmed mixing blow, 1 LARGE banana
METHOD!!
Look into launching eyes, squeeze and massage milk containers until fur trimmed mixing bowl becums greasy, spread well shaped legs and slowly add banana, working in and out until well creamed, cover with nutz!!! Sigh until relieved, bread is done when banana is soft, wash utensils, ensure to lick the bowl, if bread rises LEAVE TOWN!!!!!
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Elevator Fun!
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Posted:Aug 8, 2006 1:14 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2024 9:13 pm
1922 Views
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Isn't amazing what you find when you go through your old files on a computer. Was having a clear out today of some stuph that i thought i would never need any more and came across this...
51 things to do in an elevator!
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, darnit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the
red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. Tell the stupid OJ knock, knock joke & laugh at it.
51. As you are walking out, push as many buttons as you can.
...
Just thought i would share that with you after my first post being so bloody heavy! have loads more stuff kicking around in the deepest darkest depths of my hard drive so im sure there will be more to come.
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Why?!?
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Posted:Jul 29, 2006 4:13 pm
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2009 12:58 pm
2102 Views
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OK this is my first blog on here cuz im new to Couples Dating. I've read a few that have made me giggle and marked a few others for reading later.
Looking through the profiles as a newbie does, i have to ask a question because there is one thing that i have noticed on quite a few profiles. what constitutes "Good Looking"? because i want to know! Some say that only good looking women or men need email.
Well what the fuck is good looking? I know that every one has their own idea of what good looking is and what it means but how the hell can you use it on here... Some one please tell me! Is good looking a man or woman that a six pack stomach, not an ounce of fat, blue eyes, blonde hair with a tight arse and a big thick cock? or is it a normal with a flat gut or slight gut with next to no muscle tissue and brown eyes? is it a girl that has a big hips, small tits, short hair and glasses?
How can you lot out there say that only good looking people need apply to your profile?? i don’t class myself as good looking but kinda average for a guy but i have had some girls say that I’m very good looking (and before you say it, no they didn’t have glasses, white stick and a either)!!! The way i look at it, you cant say good looking at all because there maybe some spotty greasy haired tugging off in to a box of kleenex thinking he or she is god's gift, and in fairness, he maybe to some one out there but just because he isn't your type, don’t put the poor sod down.
For those of you that have good bodies, great, fantastic, but for fucks sake, get your head out of your arses and wake up to the light will ya. Some of you good lookers are real nice and down to earth, and others are just so up their own arses, they cant see what’s right and what’s wrong! What you class as good looking can be some one else’s nightmare. It's just so bloody superficial at the end of the day and others might just get to hate you. I used to get told by mates that to have a good looking model type woman hanging off my arm and not really like her was like saying… Hey… look what I managed to get! You like my new trophy?? AAAARRRGGGG WAKE UP.
I’m sure I won’t make many friends by saying all this but to be honest, I really don’t give a toss! It’s my view and if you don’t like it, then go read something else, maybe a cosmetic surgery mag or something. I like people no matter what they look like, it’s down to personality at the end of the day. Even the best looking person can be so attractive and wonderful but as soon as he or she opens mouth and starts to say something, that attractiveness can go straight out of the window and they then become a prick.
Open your eyes to the inside, not what’s on the outside!!!!!
OK, rant over and done with. Will try and be more light hearted next time. 
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To link to this blog (rm_Animal_73) use [blog rm_Animal_73] in your messages.
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after >>! 
down by the docks 
