THE ROSE
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Posted:Jan 13, 2009 10:47 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2009 8:16 pm
10523 Views
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The lily has a smooth stalk, Will never hurt your hand; But the rose upon her brier Is lady of the land.
There's sweetness in an apple tree, And profit in the corn; But lady of all beauty Is a rose upon a thorn.
When with moss and honey She tips her bending brier, And half unfolds her glowing heart, She sets the world on fire. |
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~Christina Rossetti
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Sex at 90
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Posted:Jan 13, 2009 10:40 pm
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2009 8:10 pm
10342 Views
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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!" |
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How Do You Feel About Sex
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Posted:Jan 13, 2009 10:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2009 8:08 pm
10238 Views
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]/center]In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"
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Best Tent Pole in the Land
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Posted:Jan 8, 2009 6:19 pm
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2009 8:39 pm
10111 Views
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Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, Sue, but she wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he wrote out a note, called his , and sent the little boy to deliver the note to Sue.
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED!
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Elderly couple in church
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Posted:Jan 8, 2009 6:12 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2009 8:11 pm
10054 Views
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An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart. What do
you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' |
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The Seven Types of Sex
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Posted:Jan 4, 2009 3:27 pm
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2009 8:47 pm
10324 Views
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The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you and your partner usually have sex only in the bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say, "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your partner any more. They take you to court and screw you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But it's not enough to live on. |
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My Private Part Died..
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Posted:Jan 4, 2009 11:54 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2009 8:42 pm
10042 Views
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My private part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Wallace, 'I told you yesterday that my private part died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?
'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'
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Letter To Santa!!
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Posted:Dec 25, 2008 8:33 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2009 11:20 am
11440 Views
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Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
December 23, 1996
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a . How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
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Christmas Angel
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Posted:Dec 25, 2008 11:10 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2009 4:56 pm
10704 Views
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A Christmas Angel sent to earth
To make our season bright
To warm each heart and keep us safe
She'll guide us with her light.
A Christmas Angel loved by all
She spreads good will and cheer
The peace and joy she brings to us
We pray will last the year.
~ Charlotte Anselmo ~
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The Shiny New Bike
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Posted:Dec 18, 2008 7:28 pm
Last Updated:Dec 25, 2008 10:00 am
10537 Views
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On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the , "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the , the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the , instead of on top."
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Beavers
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Posted:Dec 12, 2008 10:25 am
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2009 10:51 am
10939 Views
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Expect a bad winter when the beavers have a long coat
(click on pic)
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