RULES OF LIFE.....
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Posted:Jul 27, 2017 12:23 am
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2022 12:58 am
1643 Views
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Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the rules of life really are,,,,,
I find it helps to organize chores into categories> Things I wont do now,,,,,,, Things I wont do later ,, and Things Ill Never Do.....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools WD 40 and DUCT TAPE...
If it doesnt move and it should use the WD40
If it moves and shouldnt use the DUCT TAPE..
3. The five most essential words for a healthy , vital relationship are,,,,
I APOLOGIZE,, and,,, YOU ARE RIGHT
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them,,
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately, Its easier to eat crow
while its still warm,
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was GO! you might
meet somebody , and You have a mouth so use it,
7. If He says that you are too good for him ,, believe him,
8. Learn to pick your battles , ask yourself , WILL THIS MATTER ONE YEAR FROM
NOW, HOW ABOUT ONE MONTH , ONE WEEK ONE DAY,,,
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee
10. If you woke up breathing, congradulations,you have another chance
11. Living well really is the best revenge, Being miserable because of a bad or
former relationship just might mean that the other person was right.
12. Work is good , but its not that important,
13. be really nice to your friends and family , You never know
when, you re going to need them to empty your
bedpan
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THINK ABOUT IT.....
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Posted:Apr 20, 2017 2:48 am
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2022 12:59 am
3321 Views
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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the of Israel ,,,
PICK UP YOUR SHOVELS, MOUNT YOUR ASSES AND CAMELS AND I WILL LEAD U TO THE PROMISED LAND
Nearly 75 years ago (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said.....
LAY DOWN YOUR SHOVELS,, SIT ON YOUR ASSES AND LIGHT UP A CAMEL THIS IS THE PROMISED LAND.. !
Today,,, Congress has stolen your shovel,, taxed your assess , raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promise land,,,,,
LOL.
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Always do your best,,,U never know whos watching,
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Posted:Apr 6, 2017 1:16 am
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2022 1:01 am
1845 Views
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There was once a man who was a Scottish painter named Smokey McGregor who was very interested in making a penny where ever he could, so he often thinned downed his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for many years, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest churches,,
Smokey put in a bid , and low and behold his price was so low that he got the job,,
So he sets about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks ,,and buying the paint and yes he thinned down the paint with turpentine,,
Well Smokey was up on the scaffolding painting away, the job was nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder , , the sky opened and rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church ,,the lightning knocking Smokey clear off the scaffolding where he landed on the lawn amongst the gravestones, surrounded by puddles of thinned out paint,,
Smokey being no fool took this as a sign of judgement from the Almighty,, so he got down on his knees and cried
OH GOD ,, OH GOD,, FORGIVE ME , WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW,,,,,,,
From the thunder , a mighty voice spoke,,,,,,,,,,
REPAINT ,, REPAINT,,, AND THIN NO MORE,,,,,,!!!!!
Blessed are the cracked,,, for they are the ones who let the light in for the rest of us,, LOL
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NEVER TOO OLD..!!!
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Posted:Apr 6, 2017 12:46 am
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2022 1:01 am
1899 Views
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A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food
she picked up three cans and took them to the e check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, Im sorry we can not sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat,, A lot of old people buy cat food to eat , and the management wants proof the cat food is for your cat
The little old lady went home picked up her cat and brought it back to the store and they sold her the cat food,
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of food and again the cashier said I am sorry but we cannot sell you food without proof that you have a dog..
A lot of old people buy food to eat , and the management wants proof you are buying the food for your dog,,
So she went home and brought in her dog, and was able to buy the food,,
The next day she brought in a wooden box with a hole in the middle of the lid,, The old lady then preceeded to ask the cashier to stick her finger in the hole...
The cashier said NO , you might have a snake in there,,,,~~
The old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her,,
so the cashier put her finger thru the hole in the box and quickly pulled it out,,,,
The cashier said to the old lady ,, that smells like shit
The old lady replied,,, It is , I want to buy a package of toilet paper,,,!!!
THE MORAL OF THE STORY ,,,, DONT MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE THIER SMARTER THAN YOU THINK,,,,!!
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welcome to my do u ever wonder why blog
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Posted:Feb 24, 2017 7:33 pm
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2022 1:02 am
2298 Views
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1) Why is not the number 11 pronounced onety-one
2) if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea,,,,, does that mean that one out of five
enjoys it
3) If people from Poland are called Poles,,, then why arent people from Holland
called Holes...
4) if lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked , then doesnt it follow that
electricians can be delighted,,, musicians denoted,, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, ,tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed..
5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks,,
6) What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men
7) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and fork
So I wondered what do chinese mothers use-----TOOTHPICKS,,,
 why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office,,, do they think were
suppose to write them,,,,, Why dont they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailman can look for them while delivering the mail
9) Is it true u never really learn how to swear until u learn how to drive....
10) What ever happened to Preparations A thru G
11) wHY, WHY , do we press harder on the remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak
12) Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they aready know
youre broke..
13) Why is it that when someone tells u there are one billion stars in the sky
you believe them, yet if they tell you there is wet paint u have to touch
it to check....
14) Why does supermans stop bullets with his chest yet he ducks when throw
revolver at him,,,
15) Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets....
16) Whose cruel idea wa it to put an S in the word lisp....
17) Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use , the bubbles
are always white
1 Why do people constantly return to the refridgerator open the door
in hope that something new to eat will have materialized
19) Why do people run over a string a dozen times with the vacuum cleaner
then reach down and pick it up , examine it and then put it down again to
give the vacuum one more chance...
20 Just how do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures
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PARAPROSDOKIANS
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Posted:Sep 22, 2016 4:35 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2022 7:57 am
4181 Views
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The first time i heard about Paraprosdokians, I like them...
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous ( Winston Churchill loved them)
1.). Where theres a will , I want to be in it.
2.). The last thing I want to do is hurt you,,,,, but its still on my list,,
3.). Since light travels faster than sound,,, some people appear bright until u hear
them speak.
4.). If I agreed with you,,, wed both be wrong.
5.). We never really grow up----- we only learn how to act in public
6.), War does not determine who is right,, only who is left..
7.). Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit,,,, wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
8.). To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.----- To steal from many is
research.
9.). I didnt say it was your fault--- I said i was blaming you
10.). In filling out an application , where it says ,, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY NOTIFY ,,,,,,,,,,,,I Anwered ,,,,,, A DOCTOR, !!
11.). Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
bald headed and a beergut , and still think they are sexy...
12.). You do not need a parachute to skydive... You only need a parachute to
skydive twice,
13.). I used to be indecisive ,, but now im not sure.
14.). To be sure of hitting the target----- shoot first--and call whatever you hit
the target.
15.). Going to church doesnt make u a christian anymore than standing in a
garage makes u a sedan,
16.). Youre never too old to learn something stupid,,,
17.). Im suppose to respect my elders----- but its getting harder and
harder to find one,,
So lets be happy, and enjoy the time were here, and spread som laughter and some cheer,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,LOL
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