The blonde and the frog
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Posted:Feb 13, 2007 3:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2007 10:24 am
2578 Views
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A lovely and very sexy blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of
frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! comes with complete instructions."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Put some nice satin sheets on your bed.
2. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
3 Splash on some nice perfume.
4. Slip into a very sexy nightie. (And don't forget the shoes)
5. Light a pair of candles by the bed.
6. Put on a CD with some very soft classical music playing quietly in the background.
7. Slip into bed and place the frog beside you. The frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store
and speak to the man that sold the frog to you." So the blonde calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done
everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly: "Look," "I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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Rules of Bedroom Golf
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Posted:Feb 3, 2007 3:48 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2007 3:45 pm
2617 Views
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Body: 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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Celebrate...
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Posted:Feb 2, 2007 6:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2007 3:16 pm
2749 Views
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I haven't been making much time to blog here this week - and I'm not really making much time now - but I wanted to take just a moment to pop in. I miss my blogging!
Hopefully by the middle of next week or so things will settle down a little and I can get back to my regularly irregular postings. There are other places I can blog, but a lot of them do not seem appreciative of some of my more, um, explicit efforts.
I mention other places I can blog because to be honest, one of the reasons I'm making some time here is so that I can brag a little.  I've just landed a spot doing some free-lance writing for a website - I'll be the regular writer for the topic of beer, spirits, and cocktails. Woo-hoo!
I am so excited! This is a real live paying gig. Admittedly, not high paying - it's based on page views and ad clicks, so it'll will be a bit before I have enough articles (and hopefully regular readers) to be noticeable. Which is why for the next week or so, I'm going to be focusing on these articles. Researching, writing, getting not only a nice jumpstart with putting articles on line, but having some material "stock piled" so that I'll be able to put up new articles regularly even if I don't always have time to write them.
So, it's celebration time! I'm actually celebrating with a new beer so that I can review it later LOL.... (By the way, if you're a fan of dark beers, I very much recommend Four Finger Stout from Flying Monkey - brewed in Olathe, believe it or not!)
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Things to ponder
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Posted:Jan 27, 2007 6:35 pm
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2007 7:31 pm
2222 Views
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If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
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A day in the life
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Posted:Jan 24, 2007 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2007 3:15 am
2056 Views
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I just got home from work, and I'm tired. Yes, it's 6:30 and I just got home. I'm not supposed to work 12 hour days, but there ya go. At times like this, I'm just grateful that I'm not a salaried employee; at least I'll get the extra overtime pay.
Why was I at work so late? Some massive disaster? Unexpected and unforeseen circumstances? Nah, nothing like that. Just more of the same garbage that some of you have heard me complaining about lately. To bring the rest of you up to speed - two months ago, one of the people in my department abruptly became a former co-worker. She had become rude, hateful and obnoxious, and then added to it by surfing job sites and submitting resumes from her work computer on work time. (How bright do you have to be to figure out that this is not a good idea?)
So, for the last two months, the rest of us have been "stepping up to the plate" to cover the extra hours and do the extra work until someone could be hired. Or to be more precise, some of the rest of us have stepped up. One of our happy family has been conspicuously absent from this little love-in. Not only has she not worked overtime, she hasn't worked a full 40-hour week since before Thanksgiving. The days she did show up, she was late - every day. (How do you manage to be late literally every day? You'd have to work at it.) And she has loudly and regularly proclaimed to all that would listen that she has a family (she's single and childless), that she has things to do, and that it's just not convenient for her to work an extra hour. (The other two of us that can cover have to work an extra two hours.)
Not surprisingly, there's been just a tad bit of tension around our department the last few weeks. Call me silly, I find it irritating as hell to come in early and leave late while watching our pretty princess come and go as she pleases. Most of us have quit speaking to her highness unless absolutely necessary. This is not a fun working environment. I have no earthly idea why our supervisors have let this go on, except that we're already short-handed, and losing another person wouldn't be terribly helpful.
This week, a new twist was added. Her majesty announced that the rest of us have been mean to her and mistreating her, talking about her behind her back (like hell - we've been talking about her right in front of her!), and by golly, she's going to give her two weeks notice. One of my co-workers volunteered to get a box for her so she could pack up the stuff on her desk. This was apparently not the desired response, since the princess had several tantrums, spent two days snivelling and crying, and let us know she was trying to decide whether or not to submit her resignation.
Yawn. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Princess told us this morning that she was leaving at lunch - only going to work a half day. What a shock, her highness is going to leave early. I wanted SO badly to say something that would only get me in trouble, so I thought that would be a wonderful time to go to the bathroom.
As I stood up from my desk, I heard our department head ask her to hang on just a minute before leaving. And by the time I got back three minutes later, I'd missed it. I walked back around the corner to see her highness sniffling and crying again, and the chick from human resources standing there with a box.
Damn! As near as I can piece it together, it must have gone something along the lines of "Hang on just a second before you leave. By the way, don't worry about coming back. Leave the stapler and the tape dispenser."
So, looks like there'll be more 12 hour days. More Saturdays at work. More "stepping up to the plate." (I really hate that cliche.) And you know what? I think we're all OK with that. But you know, I hope to hell that I never make my co-workers so miserable that they wouldn't blink an eye if I got canned....
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Sealed with a kiss...
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Posted:Jan 21, 2007 8:13 am
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2007 3:14 am
2425 Views
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I love kissing.
One of the first things I always wonder with a potential partner, "How does he kiss?"
It's not just a matter of kissing well - although I have to admit, bad kissing is generally a deal-breaker. Shallow? Maybe so, but there it is. To me, a kiss is a starting place. It's the first glimpse into things to come, the first hint of what to expect, the first taste of intimacy.
The first foray into foreplay, maybe?
But I said it's not just whether it's a good kiss, but how. Think about it - there are all sorts of kisses, with all sorts of messages. A kiss on the forehead, a quick peck on the lips, a lingering caress on the side of the neck... A soft, tender kiss that lingers and builds. A hard, fast kiss, taking quick possession, devouring. A slow, sensual kiss, exploring at leisure.
I suppose I'm asking a lot from a kiss. I want a kiss that I could lay back and enjoy for hours, touching and holding and teasing each other. I want a kiss that makes me wonder how it's going to feel when he moves down to my nipples, or when he kisses a trail across my stomach to my clit. I want a kiss that makes me imagine his cock in my pussy.
God, I love kissing...
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Flat belly
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Posted:Jan 21, 2007 7:44 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2007 4:05 pm
2005 Views
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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Gimme a sign
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Posted:Jan 17, 2007 2:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2007 3:11 am
1979 Views
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The young man had married his high school sweetheart, a sweet young innocent who turned out to be very shy - she was still terribly nervous whenever they slept together, and she was certainly far too shy to tell her husband if she wanted to enjoy his company in the bedroom.
What a dilemma! He didn't want to frighten her by his desire, but he loved her dearly and wanted nothing more than to make love to her for hours on end. Thinking hard, he suggested to her that they could arrange a signal so that he would know how she felt without her saying a word.
"Darling," he said, "Here's what we'll do. When we go to bed and I kiss you good night, I'll put your hand down my pants. If you want me to make love to you, just pull on me three times, and I'll know that you want to go further."
His bride blushed, but gave it some thought, and eventually said, "Sweetheart, that sounds like a good idea. But what if the answer is no? Will that be OK? What should I do then?"
"Sugar, I only want what makes you happy," he exclaimed. "If the answer is no, when I kiss you, just pull on me 150 times...."
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High Rollers
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Posted:Jan 15, 2007 5:33 pm
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2007 3:14 am
2357 Views
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...as we continue cruising the Strip, Steve says, "Just lean back and enjoy," and I close my eyes to savor the sensations. A hand sliding under my skirt, pushing it up past my stockings, sliding my panties off. Kisses down my neck, soft and warm, across my breasts, to my nipples - first one being sucked, then the other...now both at once. Hands on my thighs, spreading them apart, and then he brushes across my pussy...a fingertip circling around my clit, lightly at first, then slowly increasing the pressure.
I hear someone say, "My god, you're so wet." Which one? Don't know, don't care. The fingers slide lower, sliding into me - first one, then two, his thumb rubbing against my clit. I feel the orgasm building, so intense I feel myself shaking from head to toe.
The fingers slip away, and I open my eyes in protest. Both of them are looking at me and grinning, and Mark asks, "Want something else?" I reach over and unzip first his pants, then Steve's, then take a cock in each hand and begin stroking them before saying, "These."
I kneel on the seat so that I can take Steve's cock in my mouth and begin sucking him, cupping his balls, running my tongue up and down his shaft before taking the head back in my mouth. I can hear Mark moving behind me, and I spread my legs a little wider to make it easier for him to slide his cock deep into my pussy.
Steve keeps rubbing and pinching my nipples while I suck him, and Mark reaches around to play with my clit as he slams his cock in and out of me - I can feel another orgasm, close, so close...the more excited I get, the more I'm sucking Steve - he's fucking my mouth as hard as Mark's fucking my pussy...I feel Steve tightening as he begins shooting cum in my mouth - that's enough to make me cum again, and Mark pushes his cock in just a little deeper as he cums as well....
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High Rollers (the set-up)
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Posted:Jan 14, 2007 8:29 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2007 3:08 am
2024 Views
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For some reason, I seem to be thinking about Vegas a lot this weekend. Maybe it's the weather. I'm trying very hard not to look outside - if I ignore the ice & snow, maybe it won't be there.
But I digress. Las Vegas. Always warm, always sunny, always full of sexy people, and a wonderful backdrop for many a fantasy.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to go to Vegas and win the big bucks, get the high roller treatment? (yeah, I saw Rainman, what of it?) Although in my fantasy, it's roulette. The crowd pressed around the table, placing our markers on the table...and I'm on a little roll, steadily building up that stack of chips and flirting with the guys standing next to me.
On a whim, I grab my stack of chips and just randomly place them on a single number - 17. My new friends (let's call them Mark and Steve, shall we?) look at each other and say, "What the hell?" and follow suit. We watch the wheel spin, and Mark leans over and whispers in my ear, "I was going to ask you to have a drink with me, but there goes my bankroll!"
We start looking around for the hotel bar, and we're actually walking away when the ball drops, and the dealer says, "Excuse me, miss?" I turn back around, and I'm absolutely flabbergasted to see the slowly revolving wheel with the little white ball sitting firmly on 17. I grab Mark's arm and point at the table, and all I can think of to say is, "I think you can afford that drink after all...."
The three of us decide that instead of just a drink, we're going to have a Vegas fantasy night on the town. The concierge can't do enough to help, and before long, we're dressed to the nines and in the back of a limo, sipping champagne. Dinner and a floor show - complete with showgirls with almost non-existent costumes - then off to a quiet little club with a nice band, a small dance floor, and a dark corner booth. I take turns dancing with guys, the dances getting slower and closer as the evening goes on.
It's getting late when we go back to the limo, and the driver asks "Where next?" We decide to just cruise the Strip and settle into the backseat, and I comment that it's a fantasy come to life, sitting in a limo with two gorgeous men and cruising through the neon of Vegas. Mark laughs and leans over, whispers "Is that the only fantasy you can think of with this limo?" and gives me a long, slow kiss that makes me weak in the knees. I look over at Steve, and he grins and says, "Well, is it?" and slides his hand in the front of my dress to stroke a nipple.
I catch my breath and admit, "Well, I might be able to think of something else...."
...to be continued LOL
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Oil changes...
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Posted:Jan 13, 2007 8:54 am
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2007 1:55 pm
1988 Views
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I know, it's such a sexist post, but I couldn't resist! Especially after yesterday afternoon, when I got to hear a (male) co-worker discuss in great detail how much better it was to change the oil himself instead of trusting those know-nothings at "cheapie oil change rip-offs". Unfortunately, his story sounded a lot like he was following these instructions, which the exception of the test drive... I'm just not quite sure why it's better to do it yourself! 
And yes, I usually try to choose pictures that go with my posts - I know this one doesn't, but he's just so purty....
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1 - Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2 - Drink a cup of coffee
3 - 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $ 1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1 - Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2 - Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3 - Open a beer and drink it.
4 - Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5 - Find jack stands under 's pedal car.
6 - In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7 - Place drain pan under engine.
8 - Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9 - Give up and use crescent wrench.
10 - Unscrew drain plug.
11 - Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12 - Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13 - Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14 - Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15 - Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16 - Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a
beer.
17 - Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18 - Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19 - Remember drain plug from step 11.
20 - Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21 - Drink beer.
22 - Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23 - Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24 - Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25 - Begin cussing fit.
26 - Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27 - Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28 - Beer.
29 - Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30 - Beer.
31 - Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32 - Beer.
33 - Lower car from jack stands.
34 - Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35 - Beer.
36 - Test drive car.
37 - Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38 - Car gets impounded.
39 - Call loving wife, make bail.
40 - 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
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Random quotations
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Posted:Jan 6, 2007 8:31 pm
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2007 3:20 pm
1887 Views
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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
--- Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
--- Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
--- Woody Allen
There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.
--- Mae West
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
--- Rodney Dangerfield
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
--- Lynn Lavner
Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your vacation at the taxidermist.
--- Matt Barry
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
--- George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
--- George Burns
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
--- Sharon Stone
My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.
---Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computer)
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a -of-a-bitch.
--- Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
--- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--- Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--- Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
--- Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
--- Robert De Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
--- Dustin Hoffman
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.".
--- Jerry Seinfeld
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
--- Rod Stewart
Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
--- Woody Allen
When a guy goes to a , he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.
--- Author Unknown
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.
--- Truman Capote
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
--- Woody Allen
Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about.
--- Beverly Mickins
The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.
--- Author Unknown
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
--- Frederike Ryder
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
--- Author Unknown
And my favorite, from one of my idols....
When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm bad, I'm very good.
--- Mae West
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Viva Las Vegas! (Part 1)
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Posted:Jan 2, 2007 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2007 3:14 am
1995 Views
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I've only been a couple of times, but I love Las Vegas. It's so wonderfully, cheerfully cheesy. I mean, hotels in every theme under the sun. Floor shows where semi-naked women are considered the norm (and strip clubs everywhere you turn, just in case the chorus line is wearing too much). Wayne Newton. Elvis. And all that neon. What's not to love?
The best part, of course, is that "Vegas" and "fantasy" seem to go hand in hand. Not just sexual fantasies - I think everyone's thought about how great it would be to win a fortune - but Vegas and sex just go together. The "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" ad campaign has got to be one of the best ever (my favorite is still the Japanese lady dripping water on her postcard to smear the writing). It's like you can go to Vegas and be anyone you want, do things you'd never do at home. Maybe that's why I have so many Vegas fantasies - if I ever tried to do them all, forget a weekend, I'd have to stay a month!
The first time I went to Vegas, I stayed at the Stardust - and the show booked there was some sort of pseudo-Chippendales review from Australia. I don't remember the name of the group, but we're talking some fine looking specimans here, folks. And the really fun part is that they were, of course, staying at the Stardust. As near as I can tell, their primary daytime occupations were working out, and tanning by the pool. Now, I get sunburned putting up the Christmas lights, but I had my happy butt out there by the pool enjoying the view. (Me and roughly a thousand other women.)
Anyway, those fine gentlemen sparked many a fantasy, especially one in particular. I actually had a drink with him in the hotel bar after the show one night (what was I thinking? Why didn't I invite him up to my ROOM?). I watched him swimming laps one morning, and couldn't help but think how much fun it would be to jump in that pool with him and, um, distract him into a different form of exercise....
I had it all figured out. Slipping into one end of the pool and slipping out of the top of my swimsuit, so when he swam back my way he would basically just swim right into my tits. Him playing with my tits and sucking my nipples, me sliding off his swimsuit to begin stroking his cock, him pulling off off the bottom of my suit and fingering my pussy, before slowly sliding his cock inside me...
I gotta go back to Vegas!
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To link to this blog (big_brown_eyes4) use [blog big_brown_eyes4] in your messages.
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