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A less than amazing life
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A less than amazing life How can I tell you how I feel? My Master, who I love and revere, and I had the most amazing fight a week or so ago now. And why? Because of my stupid insecurities over whether he really loves me the way I love him. When we first met he told me about all the wonderful things he wants for me; about all his plans and dreams. It was so outrageous I scarcely believed it would happen. But as we have grown together he has helped me to grow and become the person that I am today. My life as his bitch has fulfilled me like I have never been fulfilled in my entire life. We have had many men in our games and the odd couple that I have managed to play with and he is always happy for me. But throughout he has never quite managed to get involved for whatever reason. Even on his Birthday we were with a couple and after her and I had a wonderful time her Dom pulled the pin before Master could have her. He has talked about threesomes with a woman and I know it is his dream, as we have had many with men. But somehow every time we get close to a woman it does not work out. We met a brat recently. We had dinner and it was decided that next time she was in Auckland we would play. She joined our group and was in the chatroom every Sunday. Master and her would get involved in intellectual<b> sexy chat </font></b>and I found myself becoming more and more agitated. I found myself becoming very negative and as the time drew closer for the meet, every chat session would end badly for us. I even made derogatory comments to my Master like “You won’t be able to handle her.” I am so sorry for that because he can handle anybody and I know this. Last Sunday our chat session ended in a terrible fight. It was the night when we had the largest turnout ever in the room with several members actually joining the group on the spot so they could join in. Master was doing his thing where he can hold down conversations with so many people at once. One of the new members was talking all about his sub and how wonderful she is. I sat there trying to keep up with all the conversations but Master was not telling this person how wonderful I am. Then he began to talk about me and at that moment I told him that he was disrespectful to me by not saying how wonderful he thinks I am. He pointed at the half typed words about me and said that he was just doing it. That was true. He was. He had already asked me if I was alright as I was quite negative. I told him of course I was. He got up and said that he was done and that I should take over. A few weeks earlier after another issue with our prospective lady friend he gave me the chair and announced that each week everybody could talk to me directly so that I could have my say because I had begun to continually chirp in his ear that he should say this and he should say that. But it was all about his relationship with one person. So after last weeks chat he told me I was jealous. I refused to admit it. We fought and he yelled at me and I yelled back. That night he cancelled out of our scheduled meeting with her. I believe she was gutted. She wanted to know why. She thought it was something she had done. In truth it was. She was being herself. I could picture a scene where we were all together and Master and her were bouncing off each other like they do and I was sitting alone miserable. So I sabotaged the event. I am so deeply sorry the only way I can say it is in my blog. Master has not been on Couples Dating since then. He took away my collar and he didn’t even call me bitch for most of this week even though it slipped out once or twice and each time it did I felt the warmth in my heart. I begged him not to do this but he said that we can never go back to where we were. I was devastated to be honest. I have done a lot of soul searching since then and tried to get him to change his mind. Then he sat me down the other night and said something really profound. He asked me, “On that day those two years ago when you pulled me aside at that party and asked me if I would have coffee with you, if you had known that you would be standing here with me right now, living together for the rest of our lives, even in a vanilla relationship that we are now likely to have, how would you have felt?” He asked me to think hard. My answer was, “I would have said it was a dream come true.” But now I have to compare it to what I have actually had and I have been to a place that so few people will ever be blessed enough to go. Compared to that place, this is nothing but if this is all there is for me, I will take it with open arms and try to regain my Master’s faith that I live for him. Even though my petty jealousy and insecurity has really crushed him as I have led him to believe that I am secure in his love and proved that I am not, this week has actually given me additional strength because he has shown me that even though he gave up his own desires, he did not give up on me. So now he has asked me to write down for him what my ideal life will look like from now till the end. This is so simple for me. My perfect life will look like it did two or three weeks ago. With my collar firmly locked around my neck and kneeling at my Masters feet. I will do anything for him. I want him to fulfil his every dream. I will start by reaching out to our lady friend who will know who I am talking about, to give me another chance. I promise that there will be no more issues. I welcome the way you stimulate my Master’s mind and body. I know now, that I stimulate him in ways that no other human being can. Humbly serving my Master the bitch. |
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