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Blogs > AnotherShmoe > Thoughts on a journey

Experimenting with poly practice  

AnotherShmoe 46M
19 posts
1/8/2015 4:48 pm
Experimenting with poly practice

It's been quite a while now since I last wrote a blog post in here. Something has come up recently that inspired me to write a bit.

As I've mentioned before, I am lucky enough to live in a successful open/poly relationship. Being that this is a dating site, everyone here understands that there are always challenges in meeting like minded people. Like minded is the key part of this because we are all of different minds! However, being a person in an open relationship does present challenges because the concept of polyamory doesn't always sit well with the value system of many people.

Typically, my partner and I have mostly met 'others' through our existing social network or through online channels. I've never really been the sort of person to meet women at bars. Until recently that is... For some reason, in the last couple of months, I've ended up in really interesting conversations with random women - in bars!

The first time it happened, it was quite unexpected. A conversation was sparked with a cute gal and it lasted well over an hour. We talked about a variety of things and when the time came that I needed to leave we decided we should exchange . The thing is, during the course of chatting with her, the subject of relationship status never came up. It was just casual conversation that I hardly expected to last.

So, the next day I found myself with a dilemma. I wanted to ask her out, but she had no clue that I had a primary partner at home. I decided that the ethical thing to do would be to be totally up front about it. I sent her a nice text saying that I enjoyed meeting her, and that I'd like to ask her out. But, in the interest of full disclosure, she needed to know I was in an open relationship. I let her know that if that wasn't cool with her, that's fine and that she could jettison now. Well, she pulled the rip cord and said 'sorry, not interested.'

After this happened my girlfriend said that maybe I shouldn't have told her right away. It's not like I was trying to sleep with her upfront, I just wanted to take her on a date. We talked a lot about this and decided that it wouldn't be unethical to wait until after 1 or 2 dates before talking about my 'ethical non-monogamy' ethos. We decided that if the opportunity ever arose again that I would try that approach.

Well, fast forward a few weeks and again I was out and again ended up in an interesting conversation with a cute girl. When it came time for me to leave she grabbed my phone from me and stored her number in it.

So, in the interest of science, I asked her out on a date without disclosing my relationship status. A few days later we went on a really nice date, drank some wine, ate some tapas, and had some really good chats. BUT... I totally chickened out on telling her my story! I couldn't figure out how to bring it up!!! So I went home and told my partner what had happened. She laughed at me.

Luckily, this girl was game for another date and we met again a week or so later. Again, we had a drink, ate some delicious food, and chatted. This time however, I laid it all out. I was happily surprised that she took it really well. She was a bit surprised by the revelation, but she wasn't upset in the slightest. In fact, she was quite intrigued and thought it was really interesting. I've seen her since, and who knows where things might go, but it's been fun.

The conclusion of my scientific experiment is really not all that stable. It's based on a tiny sample size. However, I do have a strong hypothesis on this. When I texted the first girl she was on the other end of a phone and it was easy to just dismiss things as strange or too hard. However, the situation with second girl was different. She got to know me first and we developed a connection. When I told her my news, it was a part of me and not just some random strange thing. So, she was able to assess things in their entirety and make a more informed decision.

I'm not sure though... I still feel like withholding that information seemed a bit dishonest. But, at the same time, it's not like I had her naked in bed and then said "oh by the way..." or anything like that.

I'm curious to hear if other poly people have had any similar experiences with meeting single people and having to find a way to work the poly angle into the conversation?

canadianbubbles2 39F
10 posts
1/3/2016 5:24 pm

 I like to be upfront with people but on the first go around. If I would have been either Miss #1 or Miss #2 I would have liked the "news" when I first chatted with you in the bar, but I am most defiantly not a regular women. I haven't experienced much of a feed back from men or women with myself being in a relationship and seeking partners. But I have notice some notes in profiles pointing out that they will not help anyone cheat.....


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