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Blogs > kewlkid419 > My Closet in Paradise

finding my way  

kewlkid419 39M
Ask me for a photo
1 posts
3/23/2012 9:05 am
finding my way

I am VERY new to “The Life.” While I have always, on some level, been attracted to guys I always tried to deny those feelings, and pretend they weren't there. I've denied this aspect of my life for far too long and the time has come really and truly be myself. it's taken a long time to get to this point, and it will take a while to get "comfortable" - for lack of a better word - with this, but I am going to try. Some days I consider it a blessing that I am 27 and really know very little about what it means to be a bi man; there are other days when I think that my lack of experience to be a burden. I consider my new sexual awakening a blessing because I do not come with the baggage that some others have- you know, all the preconceived notions and generalizations about ALL gay men based on their past experiences. I do not come with the hurts, the fears, the timidity- I am ignorant – I am naive – I am learning as I am going. I do not have any idea of what or who I should be- I get to become my own person and discover who I am without bias.

At present I am a man who feels forced to live out his true life in the shadows afraid of what the world/family/friends might say of my reality. I also face questions- Am I really Gay? Am I bisexual? Am I really straight and just young and<b> experimenting </font></b>with guys? How will I come out to my family? Will I come out to my family? How do i really feel about having sex with a guy? Top? Bottom? Verse? How do I feel about the fact that I am into guys? How do I hide it? How do I cover it up? Do I still like women? Will I miss the tenderness of a woman? Do I question my masculinity? How will I deal with the bigotry? What happens to my view of self?

I thought about just leaving the country- running away where I could be myself without embarrassing myself or my family. I thought about suppressing my feelings and dying a lonely and miserable man in an unfulfilling marriage. I thought that I should just take an overdose and not have to deal with the pain of going through the process. I want to tell the truth about who I am- I want to be honest with those who say they love me; I just can’t right now because I’m not strong enough to endure the hate they may send to me. I’m not strong enough to hear my family lash out in disappointment; I’m not strong enough to have me friends distance themselves; I’m not strong enough to have my coworkers look at me as if I disgust them; I’m not strong enough to hear my younger family members crack jokes about my sexuality; I’m not strong enough to hear my church members judge me; I’m not strong enough to witness my acquaintances discard me. I’m not ready to be alone in the only world I’ve ever known. I feel as if I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

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