Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service
Forgot password?
Blogs > Insindiary > Insindiary's Diary

Breaking Point  

Insindiary 52M
263 posts
3/26/2011 6:45 am
Breaking Point

I think I've reached mine with Rand's parties. I'm starting to wonder why I keep going when I keep repeating the same pattern:

1. Go
2. Meet new and interesting sexy women who want to fuck
3. Don't fuck them
4. Feel bad about myself

Seriously, what's wrong with me when life's circumstances put me in a room with 15 or so hot women who really want sex, and I don't even make an attempt to have sex with them?

Perhaps there are TOO many women. I'm good with the one-on-one. I LIKE going out, getting to know someone... getting intimate. Slowly building toward sex. It's intimate. I just can't focus on any one woman at a<b> sex party. </font></b>I also like the concept of meaningless sex with someone I just met. It's a fantasy for me. I feel so conflicted at these parties. With a lot of people having sex in one room, the sexual energy seems to be diluted, rather than amplified. At least for me.

Maybe I rely on my looks too much. I'm good looking, dammit. If any woman approached me and said, "Damn, you're hot. Want to play?" I would. Pfft. Definitely. Unfortunately, the only one at Rand's parties who has shown me that kind of interest is Rand himself. I joked to my wife that if something doesn't change soon, Rand is going to break me down, and I'll give in and have sex with him.

I APPEAR relaxed and calm at the parties. Even somewhat aloof. Inside my head, I'm anything but. Many people last night remarked about how awesome the party was, and about how they could finally relax among friends after working all week. I'm not relaxed at Rand's parties. I LOOK relaxed. I can relax at work. I can CONTROL things at work (most of the time). Social situations are kind of terrifying for me.

Humans are social animals. I've roped my kinky life into my social life. I rarely hang out around people who aren't slutty swingers. I guess I thought I could relate to and relax around people who share my point of view about sex. I'm right, to an extent, but I'm missing something. I don't know what I'm missing exactly, but It's tied into my desire to have a Bromance; to just... hang around someone you feel some sort of spark for. There's a connection I'm looking for that I'm just not finding, through sex parties or anywhere else.

My wife, Tricia, is wonderful. I have a connection with her. My friendships/romances/fuck buddyness with Maggie and Andrea are wonderful. Things are very good with the people in my life who I'm close to. But I'm missing something, and I think I could be in danger of slipping into a sluggish ennui or depression if I don't find it soon.

For as long as I've been an adult . Now that I've been going to one regularly, it just doesn't have much appeal for me. What does it mean when the thing you find naughty and kinky and turns you on... DOESN'T turn you on anymore?

Become a member to create a blog