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cats in the cradle
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cats in the cradle Everyday I am always thinking. Sometimes I think of very stupid things, sometimes my imagination wanders, and sometimes I think about my life. Yesterday a thought crawled through my brain. Here goes. So ever since I was young I haven't had much of a male role model. I learned everything about being a man from my older brother, and it turns out at the time he wasn't the person i should have been learning anything from. So I am bisexual now, perhaps my love of the male comes from the lack of an adequate father figure, or just the love of the male figure in general. Anyways I was thinking about it, and came up with these things that i have never had growing up: 1. this weird form of protection/security that a father gives.(it puzzles me.) I grew up with a single mom, constantly working, so there wasn't anyone there to watch over me. So I was never watched over by anyone but my brother, i got beat up a lot. Now that I am older and "indestructible" I dont understand why i still have this longing for a weird form of protection or security. I can fend for myself and its just a puzzling thought. 2. Approval of some sort. The only "approval" I ever got from a father figure was a teachers, coaches, and friends parent's pat on the back, not a dad taking me in and saying something "inspiring". I guess no one ever lives those picture perfect movie lives; but they have at least someone cheering them on, waiting to pick them up after a loss, or something in general. Like I said mom worked a lot, so she missed out on that stuff too. It puzzles me, I have this sense of deja-vu while dreaming quite often anymore where its storming and I am at home alone. I shrink in my bed to the size of a 7 year old and clutch at anything I can to save me from this storm that is striking fear at my nerves, and find nothing. I wake up in the fetal position, with nothing around me in my bed, and all I really want to do is yell. Morale: I dont know, i hope thats why your still reading. I think i just need a hug lol. the last resort is therapy/counseling. Quote: "I speak five languages: english, german, chinese, japanese, and phillipeno. You speak japanese? Yeah, Kawasaki, Jujitsu, Sony, Toshiba." Today is a gift, that is why it is called the present. |
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Tyrone, you are wise beyond your years....not to mention an incredibly good writer. I was never in your situation, but you've explained it so well, I understand it completely. Great work.....you will go far. V
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12/13/2008 10:43 am |
Hey there Ty, I know exactly what you're going through bud. My childhood was far from picture perfect as I endured an abusive step dad from the time I was four. There were times in my adult life that I'd wake up at night in the fetal position, dripping of sweat and afraid. This is a condition (for the lack of a better word) that I still can't shake. Within the last month I had been trying to read my own subconscious and find a reason why I like and seek out men for intimate rendezvous. The only thing that came to my mind was that I have a deep desire to be excepted and loved by another man. I'm speaking on the emotional and bonding aspects than just the sex. I hope that made sense. Ty, I have to comment on what you said about being "older and indestructible." We are far from being indestructible bud. Please know when you need to be the bigger person and back down from a fight. I know how it is to have all the frustration bottled up inside and in a given moment explode and turn a bad situation into a battle. Regardless of who starts or picks the fight, you need to learn how to keep your cool and think clearly. You are a very intelligent young man and I know you'll have a bright future. Be well my friend and Peace to you. Jim B.
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