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Watergeuzen for life
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Watergeuzen for life Someone asked me why in my newest blog title I used a plus sign instead of an ampersand . It's because I hate ampersands . Because they look like a stick figure dude dragging his ass on the ground like a dirty dog . &&&&& Remember the movie Cowboys VS Aliens ? It was a decent movie . One of my friend's dad talked for 9 solid minutes about how Olivia Wilde was naked in it but you couldn't really see anything . It was uncomfortable . I was thinking today that that movie would have been fantastic if it had instead been about the Dallas Cowboys being attacked by the aliens from the Alien franchise . The premise is that the New England Patriots are coming to town for a critical game and being the cheaters that they are Bill Belicheck himself sneaks into the Cowboy's locker room and plants an alien egg in Jason Witten's locker . Stopping to strangle a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader with his hoodie who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time . "You're not supposed to be here . . ." Some of the classic scenes - A alien bursting out of the chest of Jerry Jones . Joe Buck being eviscerated . Tony Romo throwing a bomb like a football that is caught by the alien Queen and then quipping "touchdown . . . bitch" as it esplodes . At the end when all hope is lost Troy Aikman appears to save the day - only to be killed by the Predator . They've been after old #8 for a while . Remember the good old days when you'd get off school and pile into your dad's two-decker frigate and try to blockade the Flemish coast from Spanish commerce raiding of Dutch herring fisheries ? Those were good times . But we all have to grow up right ? I should organize a good old fashioned Flemish coast blockade like once a year with the old gang before we get too old . To relive some of those glory days . And now a story . When I was a lad there used to be a who'd take my backpack every day and dump out all the contests on the ground while we were waiting for the bus so everyone else could have a good laugh at my expense . One time while I was fighting to keep said backpack it broke and I had to ask my momma for a new one . She of course asked why it broke and I told her . What I didn't know is that my sisters had overheard . So I get my new backpack , I go out to wait for the bus , stronger tougher takes it away from me and dumps it out - as per usual - only this time instead of notebooks and texts and pencils and whatnot said backpack was full of naked headless Barbie dolls . My sisters had stealthily removed it's normal contents and replaced it with their old toys - after first removing the clothes and heads . So from thereon out I was known as the freak you had a bunch of naked headless Barbies in their backpack and the torments I endure at the hands of my classmates increased tenfold . And of course I didn't have my books and such for school so I got detention . Now you're probably thinking "40 you knew what your sisters were , why did you have your backpack where they could get it ?" That's the kicker , I kept my backpack locked in a drawer in my desk just to they couldn't mess with it . How did they get it ? Glad you asked . Sister #1 had a friend by the name of Sally that I had a crush on so she enlisted Sally's help to both steal the key and then lure me out of my room with her bosoms so that they could perpetrate this scheme . Sally laughed the most of all when I came home humiliated and crying . "enough 40 , we get it , you were bullied , move on with your life - you're 40 years old for God's sake" I'm not telling this story for that I'm telling it because it contains several valuable life lessons and I want to share the benefit of my experiences with you . First of all the lesson is lie - lie all the time . The truth gives people the power to destroy you . Had I just told my mom I had broken the backpack none of this would have ever happened . Second lesson - If someone attractive is being nice to you , it's a trap . Good looking people are assholes - they only pretend to be friendly to fuck you over . Third lesson - No one is on your side . You are on your own in this life . Your family loves you , truly , and they still work against you . Fourth lesson - Don't be distracted by bosoms Here's a bonus lesson . When I was super young I was a target because I was sensitive and it was easy to make me cry . Once I figured that out I killed my emotions and became a robot - but that also makes you a target because people are like "this guy never reacts to anything , we need to REALLY fuck him over to make him react" . The only thing you can do once your blood is in the water and the sharks start circling you is get really into cocaine and then bring a sharpened screwdriver to school and jam it in Stevie Nicks (not the famous one) belly like Robbie Carmichael did . Sure he ended up in prison for burglary and check kiting but no one picked on him after that . Mostly because he got expelled . In conclusion I have the desire sometimes to write a really offensive blog as if I was dude-bro talking about all the<b> chicks </font></b>I've banged . Because I think it would funny . Which it wouldn't be . But I still think about doing it . Part of the reason I think it would funny (which it wouldn't) is imagining someone reading my blog for the first time and thinking that I'm really like that . I guess maybe I like upsetting people . Which isn't cool . 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No pictures ? Lame Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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Brillant
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That's a very sad story, but "don't be distracted by bosoms" is advice for the ages. I feel like most people are pretty impaired at detecting irony, so yeah would advise against the faux dudebro blog. If I were going to do a sarcastic blog I'd post a bunch of trite inspirational memes and then write some bad erotica. Actually I think I already covered part 2 of that in my early years here.   
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yanno, the naked dolls without heads could have gone another way. i was so hoping..... You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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